An Addamsish Potter: A Summer of Cousins and Camp
by tarnished silver things
Summary: First Year is over,and all of the school age Addams Cousins are at the mansion for the summer. Plus the new baby. But what is to happen when they get a nanny and are sent to Camp? One thing's for sure: Chippewa will burn if they have their way.
1. Chapter 1

Pre-An/AR: Just for reference, a Hitler's child is blonde with blue eyes. It's not an insult, just a not-so-very-common term. In my opinion, it's not that odd that the Addamses would know it. Oh, and while Vendetta IS their adoptive sibling now, Pugsley, Wednesday, and Harry (Harcourt) don't include her in most of their attempts on Pubert's life. She frankly doesn't care if the baby lives or dies, she just wants to make fiends. XD.

"Come sorrow, we welcome thee. Let us join in grief, and honour the fortunate dead."

"Dearly Beloved," Grandmama murmured, bowing her head and clasping her hands.

Harry glanced at his sister and brother as Wednesday rattled the box. "Shush, Zara!" Wednesday gave him a grateful nod and dropped the box into the hole they'd dug for their annual start of summer cat-burying. They all dropped some flowers on the box. Wednesday, a dead rose, Harcourt, a pale white Lily, Pugsley a somewhat questionable tulip, and grandmama a sprig of wolfsbane. Harry shovelled some dirt into the grave. Zara mewed again. Silly cat, she'd be dug up again in a minute.

"Harcourt! Wednesday! Pugsley! Grandmama! Aunt Morticia's having the baby!"

The mentioned four jumped for a minute and quickly dug the cat up, then ran fopr the house. Zara tried to bite Grandmama.

There; now she was acting like a good kitty.

….

Harcourt resisted the rather strong urge to strangle that stupid little blonde idiot across from them. Pugsley rolled his eyes and gave the twins a look that clearly said 'is she serious?'

Harcourt snorted.

": …and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby! "

"Our parents are having a baby, too," Pugsley told the annoying little Hitler's child,

"They had sex," the twins said together.

"Stupid girl . . . " Vendetta muttered. Emily smacked the side of her head.

The little girl gaped at them, dumbstruck.

There was a loud sigh of relief from the other occupants of the room.

"How much do you think we'd have to pay to experiment on her spleen?" Emily whispered to him, leaning over Wednesday.

"Dunno."

"What spleen?"

"Everyone has a spleen, Wednesday."

"So?"

It didn't take long for the talk to turn to what gender the baby would be.

" It's a girl," Wednesday said, glaring at Pugsley. Harry rolled his eyes.

"It's a boy," Pugsley shot back.

"MAYBE it's a hermaphrodite!" Harry cut in exasperatedly.

"Seconded!" Emily agreed.

"Thirded!"

"Fourthed!"

"Those aren't words, you stupid peoples."

Before anyone could reply to Vendetta's barb, Gomez came in.

"Father, what is it?" Wednesday asked.

"It's an Addams!"

….

Vendetta, Wednesday, Harcourt, and Pugsley were sawing the railing supports from the stairway, and Wednesday was telling Pugsley about how one of them had to die now that there was a new baby.

"That's not true," Pugsley said doubtfully.

"It is so. Everyone knows it," Wednesday argued.

"Yeah," Harcourt continued, "When you have a new baby, one of the other children has to die."

"Really?"

"Yes, you stupid boy!" Vendetta snarled.

"It's a tradition," Wednesday said in a bored tone, "one of us has to go."

"Then why didn't one of die when we got Harry? Or when Mother adopted Vendetta?"

"Because, you're the Addams Heir, I'm the Frump Heiress, Vendetta's adopted, so she's out of the running, and Harcourt is Heir to the Potters. We can't have a spare. Plus, Mother didn't give birth to Harcourt or Vendetta."

"Thankfully," the aforementioned green girl muttered. Lucky, she had an interesting skin colour because her grandmother was a Merrow.

"So . . . Which one?"

"Well, they can't kill me, because I'm the last Potter," Harcourt mused thoughtfully.

"And I'm adopted."

"Besides, they only need one other boy." Wednesday smirked a little at the expression on Pugsley's face.

Pugsley began to saw faster, and Vendetta cackled.

….

Wednesday, Harcourt, and Pugsley looked on in disgust as the whole Family cooed over the new baby. Emily, Edgar, Ellen, Eddie, Grandmama, Gomez, Morticia, Uncle Fester . . . It was disgusting. At least Vendetta had sense; she was chasing down rabbits and robins to cook into pies. Apparently robin pie was better than blackbird. Her adoptive siblings just thought that she didn't like dainty dishes made for king's. Or dainty dishes in general.

"He has my father's eyes," Gomez said happily.

Morticia smiled.

"Uncle Gomez, take those out of his mouth," Eddie sniggered.

Wednesday sneered at them, and Harcourt couldn't help but glare; stupid baby.

"A baby in the house! It's about time!" Grandmama grinned. Harry pretended to gag when she tickled the Evil One's chin. "Hey, kiddo!"

The stupid brat breathed fire on Grandmama.

Morticia looked thrilled. "Did you see that?"

The Evil One cooed contentedly and pointed at the ceiling.

Wednesday twisted her doll's head off.

Grandmama cackled. "He's a real devil!"

…...

Later that night, Wednesday, Harcourt, and Pugsley were on the roof with the Evil One. Wednesday was holding the Evil One, and Pugsley a cannonball from the playroom.

"Pugsley," Harcourt asked, "the baby weighs ten pounds. The cannonball weighs twenty pounds."

"Which will hit the stone walkway first?" Wednesday finished for him.

"I'm still on fractions," Pugsley said sheepishly, looking down at the pavement, and Lurch, who was educating Emily's golem, Raven, on watering the Venus Man Traps properly. Delphi's little descendants really were adorable.

"Guess," the twins said together.

"The . . . Cannonball?"

"Very good, Pugsley," Harry acknowledged.

"But which one will bounce?" Wednesday queried.

"The baby?"

"Only one way to find out."

"One," Harcourt began, "Two . . . Three!"

Harry grinned like a loon as he watched the Evil One and the cannon ball fall. Wait . . .

"Damn!"

"Who caught him?"

"Father," Harcourt snarled.

Well, at least they got a short laugh when Lurch and Raven were hit in the head by the cannon ball.

…..

Vendetta, Wednesday, Harcourt, and Pugsley were seated on one of the couches in the parlour, sitting across from Morticia, who was holding the Evil One, and Gomez. Uncle Fester was watching with Grandmama nearby.

Gomez sighred and asked them, "Children, why do you hate the baby?"

"We don't hate him." Pugsley said blandly.

"We just want to play with him," Harcourt answered.

Wednesday smirked, "Especially his head."

Pugsley, and Harcourt nodded in agreement. Vendetta made gagging noises behind her hand.

"Children," Gomez asked, "Do you think we love the baby more than we love you?"

"Yes."

Morticia looked at them carefully before asking them, "Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of the other children has to die?"

"Yes."

Grandmama looked up from the knitting she was doing in the corner "Well, that's just not true." She sighed. "Not anymore."

Fester tried to reassure his brother and sister-in-law. "It's just sibling rivalry. Gomez, do you remember what we were like?" He asked, walking over to the others, "I hated you!"

Gomez laughed. "I despised you!"

"I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator!"

"I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth!"

"When he was asleep, I opened his skull, and removed his brains!"

"You did?"

Fester laughed hysterically. "A brother!" he shouted as he and Gomez hugged each other.

"Brother!"

The children watched amusedly as Gomez flung Fester into the opposite wall, then grabbed up about twenty of his favourite knives from on the table, and started flinging them all around Fester, with several right next to his head. Fester laughed hysterically through it all, although the last four were done with Gomez's back to him.

Fester turned his head toward the minors. "Children, you see?"

…

Later that night, In the basement, Wednesday read from a scroll Harcourt had found in the catacombs under the house when they were seven. They always had wanted a good excuse to use the thing. Pugsley held the rope on the small guillotine.

Wednesday cleared her throat and read, "Death! Death to the enemies of the republic."

Pugsley let the rope go. The blade fell and smashed a watermelon in half.

Wednesday nodded a little and continued, "Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forth the evil one."

She rolled the watermelon out of the way and placed it in a basket for the victim's head. She began to haul the blade up again. Pugsley wheeled the baby to the guillotine as Harcourt set the "Marseilleise" to play. The Evil One was dressed up in a cream-colored lacy dress. That they had pillaged from Wednesday's box of clothes for her favourite doll, Marie Antoinette. Pugsley pulled the Evil One out and held him up in front of his face.

Wednesday smirked. "You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate. How do you plead?"

Pugsley spoke for the baby in a squeaky voice, "Guilty!"

Wednesday smiled ferally. "Guilty! By her own admission. The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block."

Pugsley handed the baby to Harcourt. The smaller boy placed the Evil One properly and stepped back.

Wednesday looked between the two of them and indicated for her twin to start the countdown.

"One… two…"

Morticia called them from upstairs. "Children, what are you doing?"

The preteens glanced at one another and shouted together, "Playing!"

Harcourt smiled insanely. "Three!"

They watched as the blade fell, but the stupid baby caught it just in time between his thumb and forefinger.

Wednesday glared. "Woe to the republic."

…...

The Addams children were able to convince all of their cousins to help them try and off their new little brother.

They did not expect that to cause Gomez and Morticia to have all of the cousins, including Vendetta, stay in the house next door; no-one had rented it since Wednesday and Harcourt were eight, so it was quite free.

Meanwhile, Harcourt, Wednesday, and Pugsley got . . . A Nanny.

Well, three.

Day of the First Nanny:

The first nanny sat cross-legged on a chair, with braided blonde hair, large hoop earrings, several necklaces, and baggy hippie clothes. Wednesday, Harcourt and Pugsley sat opposite her, on the centre bed in the old nursery from when they were smaller.

Brandi smiled at them. "Children," she said softly, "as your new nanny, I know that we're all concerned about the environment, so this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires."

Wednesday raised an eyebrow at the college-aged woman. "Prevent them?"

Harcourt struck a match.

Brandi was running from the house screaming after an hour.

Day of the Second Nanny:

The second new nanny, a large, stern-looking black woman, was sitting in the same chair that Brandi had, and was looking thunderous. She'd been there for forty-five minutes, and the kids were hoping to get her to break sooner than Brandi had.

Bertha spoke in clipped, unhappy tones. "All right, children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer One. Simple. Question. Where is that baby!"

Harcourt snorted, and Pugsley sniggered.

"Which part?" Wednesday asked in a monotone.

They beat the record.

By three minutes, forty nine and a half seconds.

Day of the Third Nanny:

The third new nanny, a very old-fashioned-looking woman, wore a maid-type outfit, held a large rag doll puppet, and spoke in a baby voice, and had a british accent. Or, at least, it sounded like one through the stupid voice.

Dolly held up the puppet. "Hello, children. I'm Polly the Puppet! What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!"

Wednesday pulled out her Satan hand puppet, and Harcourt spoke in what the Family commonly referred to as his 'Devil Voice.'

"Hello, Polly," he said in a high, cold, and mocking voice, completely devoid of emotion. "I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul."

Wednesday made the devil puppet rub its hands together.

Dolly ran out five minutes later, and the children had a grand old time playing Puppet Torture with Polly and Satan. And a three-eyed Cabbage Patch doll.

The Dawn of Debbie:

The cousins had all returned to the mansion after Dolly left, and they all were playing . . . Games . . . With some dolls they'd bought from the local toy store earlier in the summer when Emily noticed a car pull up. Or rather, one of her cats. NeeChee, did, and got her attention.

It was another new Nanny.

Crap.

The children all made a mad dash for the hallway and got down to the third level above the entrance hall when someone knocked on the doors.

Lurch opened it, and in came a thin blonde woman in a low-cut white dress.

"Hello," the woman said, in a VERY annoying voice. "Addams residence? Ooh, it's old!" She wass perky and talkative. She looked at Lurch, who grunted. "And big… "

ALL of the cousins took an immediate disliking to her.

Morticia came down the main staircase, and glanced up at the children, but otherwise ignored them. "Lurch."

Blondie turned to Morticia. "Hi! Hi, I'm Debbie Jellinsky from the agency!"

"The agency?" Morticia asked, surprised, "But they claimed no one else was available. They suggested a Doberman."

'Debbie' shrugged. "Surprise! I've been out of town. Are you the mom?"

"I am Mrs. Addams."

Debbie smiled, showing all of her teeth.

"Who is she supposed to be?" Edgar whispered. "Gilderoy Lockhart?"

"Or a cheap female impersonator," Emily told him.

They turned back to what Debbie was saying. " - your dress! It's so tight!"

Morticia smiled at her. "Thank you. Gomez! I believe we may have a new nanny. Miss Jellinsky."

Debbie grinned. "Deb." she told them, shaking their hands. "Isn't he a lady-killer!"

Gomez removed the cigar from his mouth to correct her, "Acquitted."

"I can show you all my references so you know I'm not a homicidal maniac."

"I'll bet you anything that she is one," Eddie muttered.

"Of course you're not."

"You're too young."

The children all snorted at Gomez and Morticia's remarks.

"Stupid people. He HAS met his own kids, right?" Vendetta asked her new adoptive siblings.

The other children ignored her and continued glaring down at the new Nanny.

"Who's up for killing Cabbage Patch dolls?"

…..

In small burning room, The children were taking turns hanging a Cabbage Patch doll from the ceiling, wearing protective gear and approaching her with blowtorches. As the adults came in, they turned off the torches and raise their helmets.

Morticia spoke first. "Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do we say?"

Wednesday looked at the cousins, and they all turned to Miss Jellinsky and said together, "Be afraid. Be very afraid."

Debbie smiled at them and stood on her knees in front of Harcourt, Wednesday, Pugsley, and Vendetta. "Look at you – all cooped up in this house with a new baby… that's not easy, is it?"

Pugsley shuffled his feet some. "No…"

Debbie gave him a wide smile. "Why, I bet you sometimes wish it was still just the four of you."

Wednesday and Vendetta gave each other Looks. "Or less," Wednesday drawled.

"Well, don't you worry! Everything's going to be just fine." She turned and mouthed to Gomez and Morticia, "I love them." Thing jumped onto her shoulder.

Morticia rolled her eyes. "Thing, stop that."

"He likes you," Gomez declared.

He laughed when Debbie kissed Thing's fingers. Thing fell off her shoulder backwards onto the floor. Debbie smiled. "I'm good with my hands."

The children made retching noises to the blonde bimbo's back.

…..

'Debbie' slept across the hall from the children, in a new 'nursery' with beds for all of them, and assorted torture implements. The plants were all well away from the window, after Ellen, Wednesday, and Harcourt all moved their precious darlings. Berenice and Morella got the most sunlight, the poor dears.

All in all, the children were in very bad moods when they heard Morticia tell Debbie to scream if she needed anything, and Eddie got slapped behind the head a lot when he said that her watching "America's Most Disgusting Unsolved Crimes" was a somewhat redeeming quality.

He was the only one that thought that.

The next morning, the three eldest Addams kids got to watch as their plan to kill baby Pubert failed.

Again.

This time it was Debbie's fault. She would die a very, very painful death. Vendetta, who was watching them with popcorn, suggested electrocution in the basement.

She picked the baby up just as they let the anvil go. She could have at least let the anvil fall on her if not the Pubert! A large hole was smashed in the floor. Wednesday, Harcourt and Pugsley looked at one another, exasperated. It shouldn't be this hard to kill a baby! Debbie walked up the main staircase, meeting Gomez and Morticia on their way down.

Morticia reached into a hidden pocket in her dress and pulled out a list of numbers for the blonde Nanny. "We'll be going out for most of the morning." She said, handing Debbie the piece of paper. "All the important numbers – police, fire department, morgue."

Gomez turned and shouting up the stairs as they reached the doors. "Fester, come along."

The children were happy to see their Uncle avoid Debbie on his way down.

Debbie tried to get his attention anyway. "Goodbye, Fester."

"Say goodbye to Debbie," Gomez told his brother.

Fester went back over to the woman and mumbled something the children didn't catch nervously, then ran out after Gomez and Morticia.

Debbie waved to them. "Have fun!"

**AN/AR: WELL,that's it for now, I'm mostly re-writing the script from the Addams Family Values movie, but don't worry, I plan on adding in some of my own work. I'm trying to make sure that I use the characters equally, but it's harder than I thought it would be, what with there being . . . *counts* . . . Eight Addams Cousins, not counting Pubert, and I haven't even GOTTEN to the pets yet! I may just have to type up Ernest Drake's Compendium someday, because it takes AGES to re-type it from reading. I vote do it once, then just cut and paste. I wonder it it's an E-Book . . . .**

**Mercy. 10:17 PM August 6****th****, 2010 Anno Domini.**

**Post-AN/AR: TWELVE PAGES! 0.0 XD.**


	2. Chapter 2

The children were in their new room, plotting.

Or rather, trying to plot.

"I'm telling you she's evil!" Wednesday flatly.

Ellen rolled her eyes. "I'm all for pranking her, Cousin, but I still say that she's not evil."

"Yes," Edgar chimed in, "and what would she be doing here if she was? She's a nanny."

"So you're telling me that she doesn't seem . . . off to you, then?" Emily asked archly.

"I agree, you two," Eddie said, "that Debbie lady . . . Granpa would have chased her outta the house before she walked in the door!" Seeing Edgar open his mouth, "You can tell him you think he's paranoid, if you like. He and Grandmama are still home."

Edgar shut his mouth, thankfully.

"Why don't we just spy on the stupid woman?" Vendetta said, a very small amount less angrily than she normally did.

Wednesday nodded. "Seconded."

Harcourt smirked, "Thirded."

Emily raised her arm. "Fourthed."

"THOSE STILL ARE NOT WORDS, YOU STUPID PEOPLES!" Vendetta yelled at them.

"QUIET!"

The children glared at the door Debbie's voice came through.

"I agree, too." Pugsley said to no-one in particular.

Ellen and Edgar turned their heads to glare at Eddie, but he raised his chin defiantly. "I agree with them, something's not right about Debbie, and I think that we should spy on her."

Wednesday smirked. "Six to eight, cousins. I suppose we're spying, then."

Ellen sighed. "Fine. But if there's anything suspicious, you have to confront Blondie, but without giving us all away."

Wednesday nodded. "Deal. Now, here's how we're going to do this . . . "

The eight children were tucked around and outside of Uncle Fester's room, where Harcourt had found the nanny when he checked from the vents. He was still there, to the side of the room. Wednesday was painted to look exactly like the wallpaper, thanks to Emily's quick timing when Eddie 'fell down the stairs and hurt his knee' and Debbie had gone to go check on him. Eddie himself was hidden under the Invisibility Cloak that Harcourt had received earlier in the summer when Dumbledore's office was cleared out. Apparently he had some things from several old families. Not really anything important, like family spell books, but just things like journals and a few assorted items. They also got Lily and James Potter's wands, which Morticia and Gomez were taking out to get un-registered while they went on their walk.

Lovely thing, having money in America. Especially seeing as money was power, and they had it in both worlds.

Edgar and Ellen were hidden outside the windows, disguised as gargoyles, Vendetta was hiding behind a bushy plant about the same colour as her skin and only a bit lighter than her hair. Pugsley was in the suit of armour, and Emily was Disillusioned and hanging upside down above Debbie, close enough to see what she did, but not close enough for there to be a chance of Debbie touching her.

They couldn't untie Pubert, who was chained to the desk, but they could observe and listen.

"Mm mm mm mm! Fester Addams, my, my. Stocks and bonds… deeds… gold bullion…" Pugsley shifted inside the suit of armour, causing a squeak and Debbie looked around for a moment. "Treasury bills, IRAs…" Pugsley shifted again, causing another squeak. "What a strange old house. It's so drafty. It's really no place for children. No place at all . . . " Debbie murmured the last part thoughtfully.

When Debbie left with Pubert, all of the cousins congregated from their hiding places to the centre of the room. Wednesday turned to her siblings and her cousins. "Well? Do I confront her or not?"

The others nodded, but it was Ellen that spoke. "Yes, Cousin. Maybe you can get something more out of her."

Wednesday nodded.

Then she dragged Harcourt with her. Whether he liked it or not.

It didn't take long for the cousins to spread out to various places throughout the house, with Vendetta making fiends with Cousin Severus, Pugsley, Edgar and Ellen plotting . . . Something, probably not good, and Eddie and Emily playing with their pets together. They all thought that staying in at lest pairs would be a good idea, as they knew Debbie was up to something. They just had to find out what before they did anything that might have consequences. Or rather, larger ones than they wanted.

Wednesday and Harcourt stood on either side of the door as they heard Debbie muttering to herself and Pubert inside the nursery.

"Hold still, you little brat!" They heard her snarl to Pubert.

Now, while they and Pugsley may want the baby dead, they wanted to be the ones to do it! And besides which, the Evil One was an Addams! Their own flesh and blood! Only they could mess with him!

So, they came out, and let their presence be known.

"He's not a brat," they said together from the doorway.

Debbie whipped around to see the twins clutching one another's hands and glaring at her with otherwise blank expressions. Only their eyes gave away that they were less than happy. "Of course not, he's an adorable little baby."

"Fine," they told her, "Rub it in." There were several perks to speaking together when twins. Namely, freaking people out without even having to try all that hard.

"We're getting him all ready for a nice little walk in the park. Would you like to come with us?" The park. A walk. She was going to follow Uncle Fester.

"Are you a real Nanny?" they asked her shrewdly.

"Oh . . . What a question! Now how about that walk?"

She was really horrible at diverting attention from a subject.

"Why did you come here?"

"To take care of you, all of you," Debbie told them in a patronising tone, leaning down to their height.

"Especially our Uncle?" They turned away before she could answer, and walked from the room, not bothering to look back. That's what magic bugging could do. Speaking of which, they really needed to work on making Muggle things work.

When they got back to their nursery, they had Edgar and Ellen, the only ones with unregistered wands, put up a few strong privacy charms.

"Well, Cousins?" Edgar and Ellen asked them.

"We basically told her we knew she was going to go after Fester."

"WHAT? YOU STUPID, IDIOT IRRITATING - "

"Vendetta!" Emily admonished. Vendetta stuck out her tongue and grumbled; something about fiends eating people in their sleep.

"Yes, we did," Harcourt told them. "We figured that if she really was doing something, she'd get rid of us somehow. Probably not killing us, as she would die for it, but she would do something. If she doesn't do anything, we're wrong, and she probably won't do anything."

"And if she does something anyway?"

"There's eight of us, seven of whom are magical, and one of her, a Muggle. And we are highly able to fight in both worlds." Wednesday wasn't prejudiced at all, and frankly liked Muggles more than she did wizards, but every Addams was raised to be able to function in all parts of society, whatever world they were in, and that included the ability to hold their own against wizards, Muggles, and several species of creature, magical and non.

….

Harcourt and Wednesday glared at Debbie as she sent them to bed. Like that'd happen. They shook Pugsley awake and the trio crept down the stairs to Cousin Severus' Potions Lab. He'd been hiding there a lot this summer, and now was as good a time as any to find out why.

Wednesday crept in first, the door creaking quietly. "Cousin Sev? Cousin Severus?"

A snore greeted her. She looked over her shoulder and waved her brothers in. Creeping about quietly, she scanned the room for anything that might indicate what had cousin Severus in such a huff. There were some assorted potions, but nothing of real interest . . .

"You guys! C'mere!" Pugsley whispered to the twins.

"What?"

"I found his Pensive."

Harcourt pulled a bit of a face at that. "I don't know, Pugsley . . . Remember the last time we used a Pensive without asking? Grandmama wouldn't have anything to do with us for over a month!"

Cousin Severus Snored.

"Quiet!" Wednesday hissed. "If you're so worried, stay here and stand guard."

Harcourt gave her a Look. "Yeah, right. Like that's any better."

Wednesday rolled her eyes. "Just come on."

They each touched the Pensive with a single index finger and were pulled in.

"BRAT! Get your stupid arse down here before I haul it down myself!"

The three children stared in a fascinated sort of horror as they saw a miniature of their Cousin Severus practically fall down the rickety stairs of an ill-kept, cheap looking house.

"Yes Daddy?" The miniature asked fearfully.

The large man that had yelled slapped him. "YES SIR YOU ARROGANT LITTLE WHELP!" He roared, spit flying all over. Miniature Severus flinched.

"Yes-Yes Sir."

"Go make me my breakfast, boy!"

Miniature Severus bobbled his head quickly and ran to make the food.

And it went on. Pugsley, Wednesday, and Harcourt saw as Tobias Snape belittled, taunted, hit, and just plain messed with their cousin. They saw how Eileen, Severus' mother tried to stand up for the man, blaming herself and him alternately. They saw her teach her son magic, when Tobias didn't have friends over, until the lout caught them and made Severus watch as his mother was harmed in front of him, while the boy could do nothing. They saw Severus, Eileen and Tobias come to Addams Family reunions, saw Severus watch it all and pretend to be happy, saw him alternately watch Gomez and Fester in adoration, or hatred, or jealousy. They saw him love the Family and play with Fester, they saw him flirt with Ophelia Frump from down the lane, and tease Gomez, who had recently become engaged to her sister, Morticia. They saw his hurt continue into Hogwarts, where Harcourt's birth father and his merry band of delinquents tormented him, for just being there. They watched when he took solace in the friendship he had with Harcourt's mother, and how it bloomed on his part into something more. They saw him pressured by his House, saw him read about the then rising Dark Lord, before the man came out as a Muggle-Hater. They saw him cave, and call Lily a Mudblood. They saw her refuse to forgive him, saw his tormentors increase how much they hurt him, now that the object of James Potter's affections stopped protecting him. They saw him watch a boy transform into a werewolf and saw him come face to face with James Potter, who had been the one to pull him back. They saw Severus run away from home when his mother died, shot by Tobias on Severus' seventeenth birthday. They saw him take refuge with the Malfoy's, growing closer to Lucius, until Lucius took him to a Death Eater meeting, and he was marked. They saw him commit his first kill; the murder of his father, with the same gun that took Eileen's life. They saw flashes of these things, until they saw him overhear a prophecy and report it to Voldemort, before he realised that the Dark Lord would kill his first true friend. His first any kind of friend. They saw him beg Voldemort to spare her life, and they saw him put lilies on her grave. They saw him deny the Family, refuse invitations to funerals, weddings, get-togethers of any sort. They saw him teach Potions, and saw him grow from denial of the Family to hatred, blaming them for not rescuing him from his father's house, for his mother's death, and blaming himself for Lily's.

One of the last memories they saw was of the first Potions class with Harcourt and Wednesday. They could feel his dread, the memory was thick with it, and saw him restrain from flinching at the sight of the twins. Harcourt because he looked like James, but had Lily's eyes, and Wednesday because she was such a perfect mix of Gomez and Morticia, physical proof that the Addams did exist. And when they called him cousin, they could feel in the memory's air his guilt, multiplied tenfold because they still claimed him, before his anger took hold again, before he blamed the Addams for never bothering to care that his mother was dead, his best friend was dead, and that his father was a despicable, damned bastard. They witnessed Grandmama sticking him to the ceiling at the end of the year, and felt the betrayal he felt, as she was the last one he had still trusted with the name Addams. He had never counted Pince; she was never at Family events, and he never bothered to link her to his childhood.

"Are you enjoying yourselves?"

The trio whirled around to see Severus, his face ashen, his eyes burning with rage, and his hands trembling as he reached out and pulled them from his memories.

"I do hope that you've had your fun, as it is the last you will have this summer. Go to bed. The nanny has convinced your parents to send everyone under eighteen to Camp in a few days. Now get. Out. Of. My. Sight!"

The three children ran, their minds racing at what they had seen. Of course the things they had seen . . . It was the sort of thing they did as a prank, some of it. But . . . To Family? Who could ever do that?

They had a lot to think about as they went to sleep. It was only as they were finally drifting off that Severus' final words from the meeting of sorts caught up to them.

. . .

_**SUMMER CAMP?**_

**AN/AR: I'm not really all that sure how I feel about Snape. I alternately love and hate him, or else I feel indifferent. He's layered enough that I can manipulate him to fit my needs, and for this story . . . Sorry, he's not a bad guy here, just a seriously messed up one. I hope you liked it, and thank you, Royslady51 for being completely BRILLIANT! Oh, and a little extra, consider this Addams-ish Potter 1.5, as it'll only cover the summer, and MAYBE the train ride. There'll also be one bit with the start of next summer, but it's tied into this plot, so if I want this complete, I'll have to post it here.. I'm then going to re-write Hogwarts meet the family so that I no longer completely and utterly hate it. I still plead sanity to that by the way.**


	3. Chapter 3

When Wednesday woke up that morning, she didn't open her eyes. Instead, she made a quick check of the room using her other senses to see if she was the only person up. It certainly seemed like it. Her eyes snapped open and her breath caught; she felt uneasy as everything from the night before came rushing back to her, and with it, what she had learned about her older cousin. She considered what to do, because she had to do _something_, he was blood kin, they owed it to him to right past wrongs.

After some deliberation, she realized she had to tell her parents, and that this was something that the adults had to handle. She was very well aware that had anyone gotten into something of hers, she'd be slow to forgive, so it was probably best she and her brothers didn't approach Cousin Severus just yet. She assumed that she wasn't the only one of them that liked not being a Potions ingredient., after all.

Decided on a course of action, Wednesday got up from her bed and dressed carefully, this was a rather formal occasion in some ways, and seeing as she rarely, if ever had to mar her parent's day with this sort of a report . . . She didn't want to dress like she was going to a family event or anything, but she did put on something better than her everyday clothes. Something that would (hopefully) signal to her mother on sight that there was something wrong.

Her chose to wear one of her older dresses; it was a set of some laying out clothes from the mid-1800s, the sort one would put on a girl about her age that was to be buried. That, along with some comfortable ankle boots and black tights.

She padded silently toward the window, unlatched it, and sidled out. Once she was outside the hallway, she climbed inside again, and, ignoring Uncle Fester's snoring, she crept to her parent's suite of rooms and knocked quietly on the door.

Her mother appeared with a startled expression on her face. "What is it darling? Is something the matter? Did your Uncle Fester having sweet dreams, are they making him cry again and keeping everyone awake?"

"Uncle Fester is having good dreams again?" Wednesday interrupted. Then she shook her head. "Never mind, Maman. Listen, please. Pugsley, Harcourt, and I were sneaking around last night, and we saw Cousin Severus' Pensieve, and - "

"Wednesday Friday Addams! _Jeune femme, comment pourrais-tu? Vous savez que c'est privé!_"

"Maman!" Wednesday cut in. "Cousin Severus was abused."

Morticia stopped mid-scolding, and her mouth dropped. "What do you mean, Wednesday? _Expliquer, maintenant._"

"I meant exactly what I said, Mother. We _saw _it in his Pensieve and . . . Mother, what kind of person does that to _family?_ Random people, fine, that's all in good fun, but his own _son_?"

Morticia held Wednesday close to her and whispered, "Someone that belongs in eternal torment, _mon cheri._ How we never knew is what I can't understand . . . Come into our suite. I'll wake your father and we three shall discuss this: Do you want your brothers as well?"

Wednesday shook her head. "_Non_, Maman."

Morticia nodded and left to get Gomez. When the door had closed, Wednesday leaned back on the Swooning Couch and rubbed her temples. She couldn't believe it. Family . . . Didn't hurt family. Killing each other was perfectly fine, but torturing them over their entire life? If her father had murdered her mother in front of her . . . no_ wonder _Severus was surly.

Tobias, from Severus' memories, seemed to be very adept at using psychological torture as well as physical. Ignoramus meathead. If he wasn't already dead, she'd kill him herself, slowly, excruciatingly, and it _wouldn't _be a prank. She vaguely wondered if one could crucify the dead.

Wednesday slouched, brooding in a cold, quiet fury until she finally heard her parents come down the hall from the master bedroom, into the parlour where she awaited them and straightened, correcting her posture automatically.

Her father rushed straight over and enveloped her in a hug, then pulled back and asked her, "_Mi hija, ¿estás seguro? Absolutamente? ¿Por qué estabas usted en el Pensieve?_"

She shook her head. "Yes, Father, I'm sure. I saw, all three of us saw it, then Cousin Severus woke up and caught us: he was very furious." She chose not to mention the camp thing; it wasn't necessary, and she'd get the details about it in due time anyway, if it happened. "We were being stupid and we wanted to understand why Severus is so grumpy. Harcourt didn't want to and said so, but Imade he join me and Pugsley." Their parents would have no trouble filling in the blanks on _that _on their own, she knew for certain.

Gomez and Morticia sat on either side of her and coaxed the whole story out of her, gently supporting their daughter for the hours it took, until pre-dawn. After they had calmed the alternately weeping and raging Wednesday back to the nursery, the pair sat quietly, thinking for a while, discussing what would have to happen in the days to come. Once Gomez had finally calmed his angry and grieving wife to a more even state of mind for their coming task, they got changed into something other than their lounging robes and went to Severus' rooms, to make a formal call on Severus. It seemed there was much to talk about.

….

The children weren't exactly sure what had happened. Wednesday had an idea, but not a full one. All they knew was that Cousin Severus, Uncle Fester, Grandmama, Gomez, and Morticia weren't around at breakfast, but came back after a few hours, and that Cousin Severus was far more pleasant afterward, if still, well, himself. He was s=glaring quite coldly at Harcourt, Wednesday, and Pugsley whenever he saw them, though, and Grandmama fussed over him a lot, while Morticia always seemed to be watching him to be sure he was alright.

The children wondered at it, but seemed to silently decide together that it wasn't irritating, so they may as well leave it alone.

They spent a bit of time in the tunnels that Pugsley had dug throughout their childhood, and started working on one that lead to the tree house. It was after noon, near four o' clock, that they took a break, and all of the cousins found out about camp. Once Pugsley had stopped talking, Ellen, Edgar, Eddie, Emily, and Vendetta, froze, and their mouths dropped in shock. Emily dropped her tuna fish and banana sandwich onto the dusty floor.

"_WHAT?_" Vendetta screeched.

Eddie clapped a hand on her mouth, and a small black fiend crawled out of Vendetta's hair and bit him. "Ow! 'Detta! Don't yell, you're loud enough to cause a cave-in."

Ellen blinked. "Cousins . . . How is that a bad thing?"

Emily rolled her eyes at them. "You're all overreacting. Just look at it logically, like a science project or an experiment or something. Our problem is that we are being sent to Camp. We don't know what camp, but we need to prepare for all eventualities. _Logical_ eventualities," she added forcefully, seeing Edgar open his mouth. "Living mud aliens are not going to happen until you and Vendetta team up to destroy the universe. And wait until we're all of age before you do that, please. Now, if we're done with the interruptions, we'll all need magically enlarged bags, maybe some that can be shrunk and expanded without using wands, a few light Muggle repelling hexes . . . That takes care of bags. One each for stuff from the camp list and clothes, and then a bag each containing anything else we need, with two compartments, one of which that'll only be accessed if you have magic and a blood match. We can probably find them in the attic, if I remember right. Oh, and books, we'll need lots of books."

"Books?"

"Yes, Eddie, books. They're good for hitting idiots with, among other things."

Eddie nodded, and Pugsley clapped to get everyone's attention, "Okay, we probably only have a few hours until Debbie starts looking for us, so we have to move fast, come one!"

The teens and pre-teens scrambled, moving through the walls of the house, grabbing bags, blankets, potions, poisons, flashlights, books, pens, pencils, journals, clothes, parchment, whatever they thought they might need for Camp. They were, indeed, cut short by Debbie, but they had most of their things together by then. They did have to repack their Muggle bags, though; They didn't trust anything Debbie did for them. Only Wednesday and Harcourt found anything odd, and that was just a pen in each bag that didn't belong to anyone. Still, the pens were levitated by magic and then burned to cinders with Fiendfyre, the ashes were ground with salt and rice, and then boiled in a cauldron and fed to one of the piranha's, which was then flambéed and liquefied and then Vanished.

Severus Snape was not happy. He was somewhat glad that the Family had found out about his childhood, partly, but he still wasn't happy about it. They had taken him to a psychologist, one that they had worked with before, when Pugsley was acting strange a few years ago, Mr. Black, who had recently finished studying again. He absently wondered if he would get more schooling again after this, as he had after Pugsley.

Mr. Black had gotten in in touch with another of his clients, one that he was supposed to be able to talk to without either of them passing judgment on the other. One Carnation John. He tried not to pull a face. Carnation, a flower name. John, meaning son of John, a surname with the same meaning as Evans,

He really was Fate's plaything, it seemed.

He hadn't called the woman yet, but he was supposed to by seven o' clock. He checked the clock. 6 fifty-eight. For the love of Merlin . . .

He snarled to himself as he dialled the number, and waited for someone to pick up. "Y'ello?" came a sharp, female voice.

"Hello, this is Severus Snape, I'm - "

"Oh! You're the guy I'm supposed to spill my guts to when Black can't be bothered? I'm Carnation. Er, listen, I;m getting ready to go clubbing, so why don't we talk, say, tomorrow? I think I'm free around noon-ish. So how about you meet me in the main square, and if we hate each other, come up with a mutual lie to tell the good doctor to get him off our backs. Okay? Good? Bye!"

Severus had a feeling that tomorrow would be a long day . . .

The children sat in the back seats of the car, barring Emily, who'd beat Wednesday to shotgun, and all of them had their arms crossed, and sullen expressions on their faces. They passed a rather cliché sign proclaiming the word 'Chippewa' for everyone in a bright, polished wood that looked vaguely like bamboo covered in earwax flavoured Bertie Bott's Beans.

"Chippewa, how charming," Morticia said happily. Obviously, she thought that they _wanted_ to be here. Eight very different plans for murder ran through eight different heads, none of which would be able to be pinned on the perpetrator.

"What's 'Chippewa'?" Pugsley asked in a semi-interested tone.

"It's an old Indian word," Gomez said, at the same time that Emily did. Emily raised her eyebrows at her Uncle, but didn't say anything else.

"It means 'Orphan,'" Wednesday muttered.

The Addams children glared distastefully at the area around them as they got out of the car. A lake, with canoes, picturesque cabins, and girls in frilly pink and white dresses, pastels, and boys in khaki and blue. Eurgh

"Fresh air . . . The scent of _pine_." Gomez wrinkled his nose and handed Pugsley and Edgar lit cigars. Eddie already had one, and Harcourt was talking with Wednesday.

"Wednesday, Harcourt," Morticia said to her twins, gripping their shoulders, "look at all the other children… their freckles, their bright little eyes, their eager, friendly smiles… _Help them_."

The twins were starting to assure their mother that they would help the other kids when a girl in a disgusting flowery pastel dress approached them.

"_Hi! _I'm Amanda Buckman. Why are you dressed like that?"

Wednesday sneered at her. "Like what?" the she and Harcourt asked the blonde girl.

"Like you're going to a funeral," Amanda told them, then her voice started sounding two parts disgusted, one part pitying, and one very irritating part sad. "Why are you dressed like somebody died?"

Harcourt smirked at her. "Someone died every four seconds in this world, Amanda. Who knows, you might be next, just wait."

Amanda gulped. Her parents joined them.

"Hi," the man said. He was going slightly to seed. "Don Buckman," he proclaimed proudly, as he shook hands with Gomez. "Isn't this place something else? Very exclusive."

Gomez answered out of politeness, not really asking a question. "Really?"

Mr. Buckman smiled. "Oh, yeah, a kid has to be extra special to get in here. Gifted. Exceptional. Our Amanda here has already skipped two grades. How about your boy?" Stuck up twit.

Gomez slapped Pugsley on the back. "Probation!" He told the shorter man proudly.

Mrs. Buckman, meanwhile, was trying to gossip with Morticia. And failing at it horribly. "We just _love_ Chippewa. Amanda couldn't wait, it's all she talked about. She's got a whole new wardrobe." She looked at Wednesday, Emily, Vendetta, and Ellen. "And these little ladies?"

Morticia gave the bottle blonde a cold smile. "Oh, the girls at that very special age when they have has only one thing on her mind."

Mrs. Buckman leaned forward and asked knowingly. "_Boys?_"

Wednesday glared and said in a monotone, "Homicide."

Mrs. Buckman ave a sharp smile that fell gradually as each girl gave her answer.

"Medieval torture methods."

"Human experimentation."

"Dictatorship."

She turned to Harcourt, a vain hope in her eyes. Harcourt gave her a cold smile and said sweetly, "Pyromania and man eating plants."

Mrs. Buckman looked half ready to cry. How sweet.

A whistle blew shrilly.

"Attention! Hey, listen up, everybody! I'm Gary Granger!" a short, curly haired brunette man called out to everyone.

A perky blonde woman hopped in front of him and yelled to them all, "And I'm _Becky_ Martin-Granger!"

"We're the owners and directors here at Camp Chippewa, America's foremost facility for… _privileged young adults_!"

"And we're all here to _learn_, to _grow_, and to _just plain have fun!_"

"They need even more help than the campers," Vendetta muttered to her new sister.

Wednesday barely heard Gary yell, "'Cause that's what being privileged is all about!" No it wasn't.

The Addamses tried not to lose the contents of their stomachs as Becky and Gary both jumped up and down and clapped. Wednesday took a sip from a bottle marked 'Poison' before passing the Belladonna juice around to her siblings and cousins. Camper girls ran to meet each other, squealing and hugging. Boys high-fived one another.

It was sickening.

Wednesday watched in interest as a boy's parents were squabbling and the boy sucked on an inhaler. He reminded her a bit of Neville at the start of the school year. She would have to remember to write him another letter, but not by owl this time, Agrona didn't like Madame Longbottom.

The next day, the kids were standing on the pier that reached into the lake, boys on one side, girls on the other, each in two rows. The Addamses on one side, the bobble-heads on the other.

"Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates!" Gary yelled excitedly in their ears, jumping up and down, clapping, as the children clapped politely, and quite _un_-enthusiastically. "Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?"

All of the Addams kids successfully suppressed their snickers.

Amanda sneered childishly at Wednesday. "Is that your _bathing suit?_"

Wednesday rolled her eyes and asked in a bored tine, "Is that your overbite?"

Amanda closed her mouth uncomfortably over said buckteeth.

Gary smiled at them, and Harcourt, who was right across from both his sister and Gary, absently wondered if the curly haired guy was a paedophile. "Now, one of you will be the drowning victim, and the other one gets to be our lifesaver!"

Amanda jumped up, her smile showing her overbite again. "I'll be the victim!"

"All your life," Wednesday told her amusedly.

Amanda ignored her. "_I'm_ going to be an actress."

Gary smiled at her. "_Brava!_ Now, Amanda, jump in, swim out a few yards, and start drowning."

Amanda did so, and began her thrashing around. It didn't look at all like a real drowning would.

"Helpb be! Helpb be! I'mb drownding!" Amanda called out,, her mouth half in the water. She was a terrible actress. Wednesday made a half-wish that the girl would go into the business, just so that she'd fail horribly and die a miserable death.

Gary looked at Wednesday and nodded toward the water.

Helpb be! I'mb _dying_!" Amanda yelled dramatically. Then she visibly took a deep breath and went under the water.

Wednesday looked away in disgust and told Gary simply, "I can't swim. None of my cousins can."

Gary looked pained. Bubbles came up from the water where Amanda had been.

Please let her be dead, please let her be dead, please let her be dead, please let her be dead . . .

But, as Gomez had said, 'you can't have everything in life.' Could they in death?

The children spent most of their time reading through history books, and things on folklore to find different ways to manipulate magic, casting sleeping spells on their cabin mated promptly at eight. So far, Emily, Ellen, Vendetta, and Wednesday had found a possible way to make electronics work around magic. The boys had found a way to talk to birds, and possibly walk on clouds when it was raining on said cloud.

Well, Old Magic never really made much sense when it was the only magic in existence, why should it now. Although, if they found a cloud on a lower part of the atmosphere, with another cloud over it, the spell might work. Or they could enchant watering cans.

**3092 WORDS! WITHOUTH the AN/AR:!**

**Well, hope you liked it, and numerous thanks to Royslady51 for being brilliant and helping me with Morticia and the start of the chapter. Hope everyone likes this, and I'm gonna go and read some of **_**my**_** books on folklore and magic a few thousand years ago for ideas, and I gotta re-create the Addams family tree to incorporate the HP-verse . . . Review, please!**


	4. Chapter 4

((GLITCH NOTICE: UPLOADER DROPPED SOME TEXT AND AM REPAIRING. NOT MY FAULT, I'M WORKING ON IT!))

Eddie growled under his breath when he brought the timetables for each of them over, including their lists of who they got to share a cabin with. He, Pugsley, Edgar and Harcourt were in Cabin Seven with a few other boys. Jol _Glicker_, what kind of name was that? Emily, Ellen, and Vendetta were in cabin twelve, with three other girls. Wednesday, however, was all alone, with the Barbie doll wannabes. He felt sorry for the girls in her cabin. As long as they didn't challenge her, though, they _might_ be allowed to live, _maybe_. Although what kind of condition they'd be in when their parents finally retrieved them was hard to say...

"Here, guys. Sorry, Wednesday, you're in cabin thirteen with Buckman and the rest of those...," Eddie paused, wrinkling his nose as he handed the others their schedules, "What would be a good word for them?" He looked at Harcourt for a suggestion. Eddie was a bit surprised when Wednesday snorted.

Harcourt glanced up from '_The Last Nazis_' and said in a bored tone, "Bimbos, idiots, bottle blondes, Barbie doll wannabes, white trash, morons, imbeciles, prats, annoying chits, nitwits, dopes, clueless trust fund brats . . . Need I go on?"

Wednesday waited until her twin finished before putting n her own two cents. "I'm not _all_ alone, Eddie. It seems 13 is lucky after all. Do you remember us telling you about Hermione Granger?"

"The girl that hired Uncle Gomez around Hallowe'en?"

"Correct, Emily," Harcourt praised, as if he were teaching. "She left Hogwarts though, soon after. It should be . . _. Interesting _to see her again. I wonder if she's as-"

"_Why_ can't I be surprised? _Why?_"

The Addams cousins turned to look at a small, pale girl with frizzy brown curls and big brown eyes, with her hands crossed over her chest, on hand massaging her temples.

"Whatever could you mean, Miss?" Harcourt asked innocently enough.

The girl snorted. "Oh, _stuff it_, Addams. Why are you at Becky and Gary's camp? It's the last place I'd expect you to be."

Vendetta huffed. "Ve vould not be here if it vere not for stupid nannies, you stupid girl! Vhy are you here? You belong in Britain," the green girl snarled, her Bulgarian accent becoming more pronounced. They probably should have let her vent before they got to camp . . .

The brunette rolled her eyes. "Figures. I'm here because Gary is my father's little brother, and I've been hauled here every summer since I was four. Happy? Well, at least there are a _few_ semi-intelligent people here this year .. . . "

Wednesday smirked at her, "Only semi-intelligent? Oh, Granger, you wound us."

"Oh _please_. I _wish_ someone would sue the camp so that we would all get sent home. Have you looked at your timetable yet? I'm bunking with you, Wednesday, and be warned; those bloody blonde twits _will_ keep you up all night telling utterly pathetic ghost stories that are more hilarious than anything resembling frightening. I suggest reading a book. Now, excuse me, I am off to do just that before my aunt and uncle catch me and put me in the _Harmony Hut_."

When the girl had gone stiffly on her way, Emily turned to her cousins. "Well, isn't _she_ a pleasant one?"

**...**

Wednesday and Hermione Granger chose to share bunk, Hermione claiming the top, something about better light. Wednesday just sighed and arranged her things on the window sill. Only the things she expected to be ruined, mind. She didn't trust anyone outside her family. Once her various trinkets were set up and the sun was blocked from her bunk, she got herself comfortable and started reading. '_A Brief History of Sanity'_ was something of a dull read, but the writer was rather good.

She had just started in on the section on '_The Evolution of Common Sense into Democracy_' when next thing she knew someone was flashing a light toward her.

"Wednesday, _you_ have to continue the ghost story," Amanda said in her whiny voice. She wore a retainer. That had possibilities.

Nonetheless . . .

"This is dumb," she told them flatly. She had no desire whatsoever to join that stupid story, nor would she contribute to it, Devil save her soul.

"Well, if you can't _do_ it . . . "

A _challenge_? She could work with that. Wednesday closed her book slowly, remembering the page number, and sat up, turning to the others. "And so, the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin, and he said to the campers, 'None of you really believe in me, so I will have to prove my power.' And so the next morning, when the campers woke up, all of their old noses had grown back."

Cue . . .

_**" ****A A A A A A A A A I I I I I I I I I E E E E E E E E E ! ****" **_

Too easy.

Wednesday sneered at them and returned to her book. She grinned when she heard a faint snicker from overhead.

**...**

Wednesday's eyes flashed open in the middle of the night.

Something horrible had happened.

**...**

"Mail call! _Addams!_"

Wednesday glared at the letter when Gary handed it to her. "Oh, no . . . this _won't_ be a good thing."

"What is it?" the other Addams asked the morbid girl.

"This is _unspeakable_," she told them, her voice flat. "This is woke me in the night . . . thrice-_damned_ Seeing sense." At least she was only a _minor_ seer, though, thank the Devil. Though with puberty, such things often opened up to a fully powered Gift. She was most definitely _not_ looking forward to it.

"Is something wrong, Wednesday? Bad news?" Becky asked in a concerned tone.

"This is the worst thing that has _ever_ happened in the history of human events," Wednesday told the perky woman blandly, then, turning to her cousins, she told them the horrible news. "Uncle Fester is getting married. To _her._"

"A wedding?" Gary repeated excitedly. "Why that's _great_ news!"

"To _whom_?" Amanda asked, sneering.

"The _Nanny,_" Harcourt sneered at her.

"The _help?_" Yelped one of the girls in horror. "He's marrying a _servant_?"

"Apparently so." Emily muttered.

"I'm sure she's a very nice lady," Becky interrupted, attempting to act as a diplomat.

"That's _disgusting_! I think their whole family's like some weird medical experiment. I think they're from a freak show, like those lowlife people that live and work in circuses! They're circus people!"

Pugsley's face went hard. "_What'd you say?_"

Becky started clapping as she got between them quickly. "Campers! Group hug!"

_Are you bloody __**mental**__, Becky?_ Hermione wondered silently, then thought about the possibility and concluded, _Probably, but still...insane doesn't have to translate to moron, does it?_

Everyone in the cabin, bar the eight Addams children and Hermione, to the Addamses' surprise, were hugging. Gary made a sad face at the group, but addressed his niece first.

"Oh, come on, sweetheart! Don't you want to hug? You love group hugs!"

Hermione glared at him over her book. War and Peace, hmm. "I liked them when I was _seven_, Uncle Gary. I outgrew them a long time ago, so _no_, I do _not_ want to join the group hug."

Gary must have decided that the brunette was a lost cause, because he turned to the Addams children instead. "Wednesday, Harcourt, Emily, Edgar, Addams . . . Will a hug hurt us?"

"Yes." Harcourt said the word with finalty.

"We don't hug," Ellen elaborated.

"Oh, they're just _shy,_" Becky said, putting her hands on Vendetta and Wednesday's shoulders.

"We're not shy," Harcourt told the woman, glaring when Gary put his hands on Pugsley and Eddie's shoulders.

"We're _contagious_," Emily sneered. "The overly familiar behaviour here is atrocious, not to _mention_ disgusting."

Becky and Gary quickly removed their hands from the Addams kids' shoulders.

"I'm sensing some _friction_ here . . . " Gary said sadly. Becky nodded. "Something not quite _Chippewa_." The blondes nodded like the bobble heads they were, only with the added 'mm-hmm' sound effect. "But hey, no problemo. All they need are good _friends, _good _fun_, and a little time in the _Harmony Hut_." He smiled widely at them. "Hermione, Wednesday, Pugsley, Harry-"

"My name is Harcourt Addams. Either use my name or do not address me at all. I do not recall having given you permission to be familiar, you are a staff member, an upper servant but help, nonetheless. Unlike my uncle I do not encourage familiarities from _servants_."

"I...see, _Harcourt._" then he continued, so he didn't have to look at the icy green of Harcourt's eyes. "Emily, Vendetta, Edgar, Ellen, Eddie, follow me, please."

And that is how nine _very_ surly children found themselves in a miniature frilly pink Hell.

"How long do we have to stay here?" Eddie asked, his eyes wide. Emily covered them with a hind and led him over to the over-stuffed, off white, frilly couch, and sat gingerly on the edge.

"Until we crack." Hermione and Wednesday looked at each other, surprised to have said the same thing at once.

A few moments later, the boy that had reminded Wednesday of Neville at the start of camp was shoved into their stuffed animal themed Hell, clutching a book for dear life. "Have fun!" They heard Gary snicker, before he shut the door.

"What are you in for?" Emily asked the boy.

He pushed up his glasses before answering. "I wouldn't go horseback riding."

"Is that all?" Hermione asked.

"And I wouldn't make a birdhouse."

Emily frowned. "Why not?"

"I wanted to _read_."

The second the boy finished saying that, the door swung open enough for Gary to stick his head and arm in and grab the book.

"Not on my watch, _four eyes_!"

Hermione told them, in a slightly embarrassed voice after the door closed again, "Uncle Gary is somewhat fond of eavesdropping . . . "

"Am not!" Gary yelled through the door.

…**...****...**

Severus scratched the inside of his elbow. Thrice damned Muggle garments . . .

"You're Severus Snape?"

Severus looked up to see a woman with loose, wavy dark brown hair, a heart-shaped face, and clear blue eyes. She had a hand on her hip, and was apparently waiting for him to answer her.

"I am. Carnation John, I assume?"

"To assume makes an ass out of u and me."

Severus rolled his eyes at the word play. "You are Carnation John?"

"No, I'm Queen Elizabeth the I of England."

Stupid, irritating, vile Muggle chit . . .

"Listen, if you're going to be an irritant, we can both leave right now. Now what for the love of all that is Light do you want?"

"I like you, you're fun to annoy. You have something of an I-Hate-The-World attitude, though. Have to work on that. Now chop, chop! There's an ice cream place a block or so down, really old fashioned, and they put liquorice and blue M&M's in this funny white mint ice cream, but they only serve it in July. You'll like it."

Then the brunette snatched his wrist and dragged him to the ice cream shop. He was bigger than her! She shouldn't be able to drag him! His belief that all Blacks were evil creatures gained even more credence, in his mind.


	5. Chapter 5

Morticia smiled a little to herself as she filled out the papers to send to that nice Minister . . . Fuddle, she thought his name was, and the new Headmistress at Hogwarts, Ms. McGonagall. They _had_ only agreed to send their children to Hogwarts on a trial basis, after all. While confronting a crazed killer, deadly plants, a Cerberus, a troll, deadly marble soldiers in a game of chess and all that was perfectly good fun, it wasn't exactly something safe. No, coupled with her little Wednesday getting so dreadfully sick from that Cola drink, she didn't think that Hogwarts was a good place to send her children. She knew they were still considering going back, however, but it was only polite to send the Minister and the Headmistress letters to tell them that.

Besides, should that Fudgey man throw a fit over it . . . Well, the summer _had_ been somewhat boring so far.

… … … … … … … … … … …

"DELORES!" Fudge yelled, his face purple and what looked like a funeral notice on charcoal colored parchment clutched tightly in his fist.

Delores Umbridge bustled in, worried. "Yes, Cornelius?" She asked in a sickly tone.

"Look at this!" The Minister of Magic fumed.

Dear Minister Fudge,

You may or may not know who I am, but I shall tell you anyway, for politeness' sake. My name is Morticia Addams, Harcourt Addams-Potter's Aunt and guardian.

Harcourt and Wednesday told me about their school year, and I'm afraid that I may have to pull them out of Hogwarts. You see, Minister, while confronting a Cerberus', Devil's Snare, deadly flying keys, giant marble chess sets, trolls, poison, fire, meddling old men, and murderous Defense teachers may all be in good fun, I'm afraid that the officials of the school should have tried to stop at least some of that from happening.

The twins, as well as six of their cousins, are still considering attending Hogwarts this coming year, but they also are looking at going to Salem full time, rather than just by correspondence as they did this last year. It seemed only fair that you would know, so that there would be no pleasant surprises should the children not attend next year.

Have a perfectly dreary day,

____

Morticia Addams.

Delores had a very good fish imitation. She looked very much like a rabid toad fish that Morticia had zombified with her cousin Lily Dracula when they were small.

… … … … … … … … … … … … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

__

16TH December, 1991:

Laura Granger sighed as she looked over at her daughter, who was pouring over books upon books on magical apprentices. And to think, there were at least four boxes in the child's room with information on who, at the moment, was looking for an apprentice, or was available to have one. She just wished her baby girl would enjoy the holidays, now that that Addams man had won, yet _lost,_ their case against the school. She still wasn't sure how they'd gotten the school to pay for Hermione's magical education even though the Grangers had lost the case.

She rubbed her temples; the Wizarding world was absolutely batty, she didn't need to know any more than that.

"I've got it!" Hermione squealed, before nearly toppling her father over as she ran up the stairs.

"Ooh, George, let me help you with those," Laura told her husband, taking the top box. "Silly man, you tell me not to carry anything, and nearly break your neck because you can't see over the box . . . "

"I was fine, Laura!"

"Of _course_ you were, dear."

She pointedly ignored her husband's mutterings about crazy wives and obsessive daughters with a fondness for books.

… … … … … … … … … … … … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Hey, guys, look at this," Phoebe called out as she flipped through the mail. The one caught her attention, though. She didn't get a vision from it, but she felt pulled to it, sort of. After all these years as a witch, she'd learned not to ignore that sort of thing. Thus, she was calling for her sisters.

"Y'ello?"

"Ahk! _Paige!_ Quit orbing in behind me!"

Paige stuck her tongue out at her older sister before asking, "So, what is it?"

"Wait. First we need Piper, the letter's addressed to all three of us."

Paige made a face and yelled out, "PIPER!"

"OW! Jesus _Christ_, Paige, do you _have_ to blow out our eardrums? I was putting Chris to sleep, _jeesh_. Now what is it?"

"Phoebe's got a letter."

Piper glared at them both. "You're screaming at me for a _letter?_ I'm going back upstairs," she said, raising her hands in exasperation. "Shoo, off with you, Momma's taking care of her baby."

Paige rolled her eyes and grabbed her eldest living sister's arm. "Uh-uh-uh, Piper. Phoebe thinks it's important, and it's addressed to all three of us. Now come on."

Piper glared some more, but did as they asked. Sitting on the stairs. "I'm not moving anymore."

Both younger sisters sighed and rolled their eyes, sitting down beside her. Phoebe opened the letter and read out to them,

"'Dear Misses Halliwell,

My name is Hermione Granger, and I am twelve years old. I recently left Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, due to a troll incident and I have been looking to see if I could continue my education via apprenticeship, and came across a reference to the Halliwell family in my research, and read that your family is focused mainly in Witchcraft, which is what I am hoping to learn, as it seems more compatible to me than Wizardry. My question, though, is if one of you might take me on as an apprentice? I realize that asking via a letter is rather rude, but as I live in the UK, I have no way to reach you.

Yours Hopefully,

Hermione Granger.'" Phoebe looked up at her sisters. "Well, it sure seems sincere, and when I read the bit on that Hoggish school ,she seemed kind of . . . frustrated? I get the feeling that Hogwarts wasn't very good."

Piper raised an eyebrow. "And _how_, exactly, can we be sure it's not some trick by a demon?"

Phoebe sighed. "I don't think it is, Piper. The girl, Hermione, she feels sincere."

Piper turned to Paige, silently asking her to back her up. "I agree with Phoebe," Paige told her, shrugging. "I'm just wondering why she doesn't ask her Whitelighter to take her to San Francisco, though."

"Because it'd be rude? Time difference? Why not ask Leo?"

Paige stuck her tongue out at Phoebe before asking Piper, "So, where is your husband?"

"With Wyatt, at Magic School," Piper replied sourly.

"Be back in jiff!" Paige told her happily as she orbed out of the room.

"I swear, you two will be the death of me!" Piper grumbled. "And of course, she gets back in seconds," she continued dryly when her sister orbed back in with Leo.

Leo, on his part, looked somewhat frantic. Obviously Paige hadn't filled him in, probably just grabbing him and orbing back to the Manor again. "What? What is it? Is there a demon? Is Chris okay? What happened?"

Sparing a glare at Paige, Piper said calmly, "We got a letter from a twelve year old witch in Britain asking if one of us will take her on as an apprentice."

Leo smiled, relieved, "That's great news! Are you going to take her on?"

Piper frowned tartly; apparently she had _no_ backing here. _Peachy._

"Well, the girl, Hermione, why didn't she just ask her Whitelighter to orb her here? She lives in Britain."

Leo frowned. "Well . . . Most witches get a Whitelighter around eleven, but I'm not sure why she wouldn't have one, though, unless . . . "

"Unless _what?_"

"If her parents aren't witches, then she'd get a letter to a school for witches and wizards."

"Witches and Wizards? But the last of the wizards is dead. "

Leo shook his head. "No, they're not. While they are nearly extinct, those aren't the sort of wizards I'm talking about. These wizards . . . It's more of a gender term, really. They have the same name, but they're a different race. They are mortals, but they have magic that is something like ours, but they use wands to focus it. Now, some of them, their families have used wand magic for so long that they literally can't do magic without it. Others, like this Hermione girl, are born from normal mortals like any other Witch can be, but some of them choose to go to schools for magic, thus they enter that world, and eventually lose their ability to use Wiccan magic.

"This Hermione must have entered the wizard school, so she doesn't have one. Only Wiccans and potential Whitelighters have them. Since it takes about ten years to stop being able to use Wiccan magic, she should be fine as your apprentice. Wizards only start their training in magic around the age of eleven. Hermione might have some trouble adjusting to Wiccan magic, but she should be fine after a few months or so."

"So why didn't _we_ get letters to some funky magic school?"

"You probably did, but Penny burned them or said that you weren't going. Or, since you had your powers bound, you didn't register as having magic during that time."

Piper sighed and threw her hands up in defeat. "Fine. Fine. I give up, you can take her as an apprentice. Now I am going to check on Chris again. Paige, orb Leo back to magic school, and _stop scaring him like that!_"

"No, if she's looking for an apprenticeship, I think I'd better send her a Whitelighter. If she is a true witch, he or she will know...and he or she will bring the girl here."

… … … … … … … … … … … … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Hermione looked up from her letter. It looked like the Addamses were gutting one of the bears. Okay. She shrugged and went back to her letter to the Halliwells. She'd been very surprised when someone appeared in a bunch of blue light in the middle of

' . . . Well, the Addams are gutting one of the toy bears, and knowing Aunt Becky and Uncle Gary, they'll show up just as the Addams start zombifying the thing, so I'd best go. Is Chris still colicky? Give everyone my love,

Hermione.'

There, her letter was finished, and now she just had to send it. Hopefully she could convince her aunt and uncle to let her send a letter . . . If not, well, personal gain really was an irritant.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Severus gave Carnation a grudging nod of agreement as they walked. When they reached the gates to the Addams Mansion, He gave Carnation a quick sidelong glance. Would she leave . . . ?

No. Damn it all. Instead, the brunette irritant's face lit up. "_This _is where you live? Oh, it's beautiful! A sort of . . . Faded charm, I suppose. Well, don't have me keep you waiting, I'm sure that your family must be dying to see you again. Ta!"

Damn it! Severus snarled in his head as he stalked up the path to the house.

"_Hi Severus, _you'll never _guess _what has ha-"

"Say another word, Miss Jellinsky, and I will disembowel you."

Debbie shut up, thank God. He didn't like that glint in her eye, however . . . She would need watching.

"Severus, my good man! You won't believe the news! Fester is getting married!"

That was enough to stop the Potions Master in his tracks. "To . . . _whom?_"

"Why to Debbie of course! We've just sent the letter off to the children! Isn't it thrilling?"

"Positively chilling to the very bone, Gomez." The blonde bint would need double watching, now. "If you will excuse me, I am going to my lab. Next time you send the children a letter, tell them that I said to keep their noses clean or else."

"Already did, Severus!"

"_Lovely._" And with that, the 'Dungeon Bat' stormed back to his lab, pointedly ignoring the wedding planning.


	6. Chapter 6

The Addams Clan, Hermione, and Joel Glicker spent the rest of their time (thus far) in the Harmony Hut plotting ways to help at least SOME of the Addams escape in order to stop the wedding. Joel, because he was too nice for his own good, and Granger because she a.) hated her aunt and uncle as well as b.) Debbie was just like them, so the curly topped brunette disliked the woman on principle. They ended up deciding that Wednesday, Harcourt, and Eddie would go, since the Addams Twins were the better ones at sneaking (and Edgar and Ellen had some pranks lined up) and Eddie because he was reacting the worst to the disgusting place.

The three each dressed in dark long sleeved shirts and slacks, making sure their shoes were charmed to be silent. They had just gotten to a free bit of fence when things skewered.

"_Hurry up!_" Wednesday hissed.

"English!" Harry muttered, pulling on her arm to make her go faster. Wednesday elbowed him but hurried, repeating herself to Eddie, just not in Parseltongue this time.

"I'm coming!" Eddie called, bounding over a tree root.

"SHHH!"

"Wait!" The three cousins whipped around to see Joel coming with wire clippers, which Wednesday vaguely recognized from Emily's box of medical equipment. Catching up to them, Joel panted, "Be _careful. Tetanus._"

He started cutting the fence for them when Wednesday grabbed it from his hand and started attacking it instead. She got about one side done before they heard sirens and whistles, and flashlights were then shone on them.

"There they are!" Amanda (she would regret this . . . ) called out smugly. "I _thought_I saw them sneaking out."

Gary gave them pitying looks. "Children, what do you think you're doing?"

Eddie glared at the man, taking a step in front of his relatives. "We have to see our family. It's very important."

"More important than a summer of fun? More important than making new friends? More important than sharing?"

The cousins and Glicker looked at the Grangers in disbelief. "YES."

The other children scoffed and laughed at them. "Oh, it's important, is it? So important that you can't, that you _can't_ have fun in the sunshine, doing archery, or canoeing, or arts and crafts?"

"Yes." This time it was only Glicker that answered, the cousins were too busy rolling their eyes and snorting.

Amanda raised her voice. "I think they should be punished. Punished! Punished!" She started chanting. Soon the other campers joined in. Harry could just make out a few of the kids in the back being hit over the head with sticks by suspiciously Alp-shaped figures.

Becky looked affronted. "No! No! We are not here to punish. We are here to _inspire!_" She ground out harshly.

"Campers, you know what I think our little ninja friends here need? Know what just might turn their sad and potentially wasted little lives right on around?" Gary asked the group at large. A few more kids in the back dropped. No one else had noticed yet. Eddie wondered if there would be banana cream pie involved.

Before he could ponder that highly serious matter further, Joel asked, "What?" He sounded rather like a wuss.

Gary started strumming his guitar, and the camp began singing.

"Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya…"

The four preteens looked at one another, and Wednesday began muttering the version of the song she and Harcourt had come up with as children under her breath. 'Kumbaya My Dark Idiot' did not help. At all. She backed up against the fence, gripping it for dear life, but trying to keep enough control over her magic so as not to accidentally Apparate or something similar.

"Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya…

A wolf howled. It must not like the song _either_. Well bully for it.

"Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya… Oh, Lord, kumbaya."

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . **

**Addams Mansion: Fester and Debbie's Engagement Party.**

Severus watched impassively as he stood by the punch bowl with Carnation. Damn Morticia for forcing him to get a date. Debbie was being introduced to the Family by Morticia, and at the moment, Itt's wife Margaret was showing off their brat; Whatt. Severus liked Margaret, he decided; she was slightly eccentric, but quite normal overall. She was good for Itt, and would be a good mother to Whatt. Debbie, however . . . Severus prayed that the disgusting little scut would have an Unfortunate Accident before the wedding.

"Do you like her?"

Severus jumped and turned to Carnation. "What?"

"Debbie, do you like her? You've been glaring in her general direction, so I wondered if you were jealous."

Severus looked at the brunette in shock. "I assure you, Carnation, I am as far from fancying Miss Jellinsky as it is possible to be."

Carnation didn't look like she quite believed him, but said nothing.

The recovering anorexic was worse than Po- Harry, at times. Like now.

"You want to dance?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Do you want to dance? Come on, please _Sevvie?"_

"Don't call me that. I already get it enough from Grandmama."

"Oh, come on . . . "

"No."

"I won't call you Sevvie for the rest of the night!"

"I . . . _fine_."

He WAS going to regret this later, he was sure of it.

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . **

**Fester's Bachelor Party:**

"For he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny!" the Addams men rang out, Itt's squeaks standing out amongst the din.

Fester smiled at them all. "You guys are the best bunch of friends a fella could hope for. What a party!"

"And now, for the _pièce de resistance_!" Gomez exclaimed as Lurch, on cue, wheeled in a giant cake. Severus couldn't help but think of the girl that had jumped out of Gomez's Bachelor Party cake.

"Ta-da!" Nothing happened. "TA-DA!" Goose Eggs. Gomez lifted the top off of the cake and white steam billowed out. "That poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?"

Lurch groaned a yes. The men all groaned disappointedly, and Gomez replaced the lid.

"_C'est la vie!"_

Then they all laughed.

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . **

**Hogwarts School: Headmistress' Office - Meeting with Fudge.**

"They must come back to Hogwarts, McGonagall! I simply won't allow it, for the Boy Who Lived to choose a school in the _Colonies_over a proper English Hogwarts education! You had them attend last year - get them back!"

Minerva sighed at the Minister of Magic, Fudge. "Minister, if I learned anything about the Addams clan last school year, it is that one cannot force the Addamses to _do_ anything. You'd be better off forcing a horse to drink!"

"Are you going against the Minister, Headmistress McGonagall?" Deloris Umbridge asked sweetly.

Minerva gave her a cold glance before turning back to Fudge. "Minister, I did not realize that you were a puppet to be played with by your secretary. If you can give me an honest opinion of your own, I will gladly speak with you. But I will not tolerate making deals with a marionette, much less one that is so far beneath you in personal or familial rank. She doesn't have the personal rank to have tagged along behind you to address me, so why is she even here?" She glared at Umbridge, "Merlin, man...don't tell me you have been taken in by this, this...social climbing little want-to-be Peer? You are aware she did not attend Hogwarts herself because her power is not enough to warrant a superior education such as we provide to truly gifted students?" She noted the shock on Fudge's face and presumed not. "When you learn to research your employee's references and situations, we will speak again...provided you leave the lower classes behind. Good _day_, Minister." She said at last, ignoring Umbridge's unattractively gaping mouth.

_Thank God for the Hogwarts Charter._ She thought as she watched them remove themselves from the grounds. Idly, Minerva wondered if it had been Slytherin or Ravenclaw that had conned the infant Ministry at it's Founding, into making Hogwarts politically neutral. She wondered if they were even aware that the current Head could move the school to any country or locale, once every thousand years...and it had never been moved.

She was seriously considering moving the school to the Rocky Mountains of North American and not the Canadian side, either. That was why Hogwarts was politically neutral...it had to be.

...

On the way back to Hogsmeade, Fudge was silent, pondering Minerva's words, it was true that Delores wasn't really of a rank that should allow her the privileges she currently enjoyed within the Ministry and he wasn't precisely sure when she had been awarded many of them. But he knew what to do about it though he said nothing until they'd apparated back to his office. He called his personal secretary in as well as Madame Bones to stand as witnesses to his next act.

"The Headmistress was correct on all counts concerning your status, Delores." He began, not noticing Amelia's alertness. "I do not actually recall promoting you, though I've been considering it, and as you know, my political training was such as I would recall such a detail. Therefore, not being able to account for your presence, I must assume you used a memory deletion charm of some sort on me, which is an act of treason. Amelia, if you would investigate? We do need to get to the bottom of how she got here and why she assumes herself indispensable. And send me Shacklebolt and four more Aurors of his choosing. I have an undercover mission for them in America. The Addams children must attend Hogwarts, not that crate of a school in Salem. Potter in particular must be seen by the world as a product of our superior British Education."

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . **

**Camp Chippewa:**

Harcourt watched as his twin sister and that Glicker boy sat on a stone bench by the dock. Adding in the sunset, and it made a sickeningly sweet picture.

"Are you really allergic?" Wednesday asked the boy.

"Uh-huh. To almost everything."

"No you're not."

"Am too! I can't have dairy products, or wear wool, or drink fluoridated water. You know what happens if my mom uses a fabric softener?"

"What?"

"I _die._"

Wednesday moved closer to the boy, and Harcourt moved away quietly, debating what to do about this crush. He didn't mind Wednesday liking a girl - on the contrary, he was happy that she did. But he wanted her to like Neville! He trusted Neville, but this Glicker boy - well, he didn't know _him_.

His mind made up, Harcourt went to find Edgar and Ellen. If this Glicker could stand them, Harcourt would allow him to fall for Wednesday, so long as Wednesday wanted him to. After all, he had to defend her honor, didn't he? It _was_ expected of him as an Addams.

Especially since he actually cared for his sister.

If he, raised as an American, had known what Fudge thought of Americans, Fudge would have been in a lot more trouble. As it was, though, Harcourt had decided to put Gary out of commission for the foreseeable future. He slipped away, after a quiet word to his sister that made her smile cruelly, searching quietly for the obnoxious idiot. When he found him, he was instructing some of the 'Normal' boys in swimming. Harcourt grinned, slipping into then under the water of the pond where the swimming lessons were taking place.

It didn't take much to locate Gary in the deeper water where he was showing one of the older lads how to tread water. He murmured a spell that would allow him to breathe underwater, then grabbed Gary's ankles and dove. He didn't kill the man, but he came close. The fool was only 9/10 drowned, instead of all the way by the time Harcourt let him surface long enough to spit up some water and start screaming about some kind of water monster that had hold of him. Harcourt was irritated at having to miss the ensuing panicked rush out of the water, so he dove again dragging the idiot muggle all over the pond before finally letting him go in some bullrushes. The typically long fingernails of his family had scratched and gouged Gary's legs deeply in several places. He swam to the other end of the pond unseen under the water. He'd leave the man's wife to Wednesday to deal with. He was sure that between his efforts and her's they could get the camp closed down early by several weeks.

**AN/AR: Hope y'all like it, and I'm off to sleep!**

**11:54 PM 9/9/2010 Anno Domini.**

**M.**


	7. Chapter 7

**ADDAMMISH POTTER 7**

Wednesday looked around quietly. "Where are you?"

"Over here," Joel whispered. Wednesday smiled. She wasn't sure what to do when one liked a boy, but she was certain that you had to at least take them to meet the family ONCE before they had an unfortunately fatal accident.

"Where, exactly?"

"By the fake skeleton."

The skeleton? That's where she was. Wednesday straightened up, only to find herself nose-to-nose with the bespectacled boy. His breath smelled funny.

"I got your message inside my cutlet."

"Good. I need to ask you something; Do you believe in the existence of evil?" If he didn't understand the type of evil she was reffering to, so help her . . .

"Did you _meet_ my mom?" Close enough.

"My Uncle Fester's about to get married, to a woman in a white uniform." Let him get it, let him get it, let him get it . . .

"A radiologist?" Oh thank Hell. Most people would figure Fester was dying - like _that_ was a bad thing.

"No you ninny, a _nanny. _More specifically, my siblings and my nanny. She's vile, but I have to go to the wedding. I have a pass to leave camp. All of my cousins do. Do you want to come? They already had the bachelor party, so now there's just the wedding." Personally, Wednesday thought that she might like Debbie, were the woman not so . . . Fake. And marrying her Uncle. If the woman had better taste, she might put up with her.

Joel looked like he would hyperventilate. "You mean, like, on a date?"

Wednesday blinked. "_**No.**_" _Ew._ Grandmama was right when she said boys didn't think properly.

Joel smiled brightly at her anyway. She'd have to fix that. "I'd love to."

The next day found Joel Glicker being cornered by Harry and Pugsley Addams, both looking fit to kill.

"You like our sister," Harcourt stated, glaring. This was fun.

"And she likes you." Pugsley had his arms crossed, and was spinning a very sharp-looking knife in his fingers lazily.

Joel perked up at this. "Really? She does?"

Harcourt smiled and patted Joel's shoulder, "Yes. She does. And if you do _anything _to hurt her, intentionally or not, you will have the whole of the Addams clan after you, Wednesday at it's head. No-one will find the body." Silently, the green-eyed boy made a note to call dibs on the blood. He had a few ideas on the effects of Muggle blood and magic.

Joel gulped.

Pugsley grinned. "But you wouldn't do that. Well, we're going to bed. Catch." And before Joel knew where they'd gone, a knife was pinned in the wall by his ear, a drop of blood falling from it to his shoulder. Aw, he hadn't flinched . . . Then again, Wednesday would behead him if he killed her crush before she could . . .

Maybe he was in over his head . . . _Nah._ He was sure that the Addamses were perfectly nice, just a little odd and _very_ protective of each other.

**Addams Family Graveyard. Fester and Debbie's Wedding.**

Joel glanced nervously around him. He was at the end of his row, with Pugsley behind him, Harcourt next to him, and Edgar and Ellen in front of him, and Eddie and Vendetta diagonal. And they all kept on smirking at him . . . Even the baby, sitting on Mrs. Addams lap two rows down! He looked up as some dead flower petals from Wednesday hit him on the nose, causing him to bleed a little. He didn't know that flowers could be so sharp . . . Everyone was in black, and it looked more like a funeral in the moonlight, but Joel supposed that was just the Addams. They couldn't be horrible if they produced _Wednesday,_ after all!

He turned to the front again, trying to ignore Harcourt's smirk, and watched as a stack of hair read our from a blood-stained Bible. Was that . . . _blood _on the bookmark? Nah, it couldn't be. That'd be just _too_ creepy. It was probably ketchup.

Wednesday's Uncle Fester spoke first to say his vows. "I, Fester Addams, do hereby declare my unending love…" The bald man paused for a second, sobbing, "I will worship you forever. I will devote my every waking moment to your happiness alone. Henceforth, I am your eternal and helpless slave."

Joel didn't _think_ those were the traditional wedding vows . . . Slave?

Debbie shrugged. "Nice. Er . . . Ditto." She shrugged again. Joel clapped with everyone else, and tried to ignore the odd looks pointed his way. He looked down at his suit. It was a nice one, his dad had worn it to his prom and first date with Joel's mother. It was blue and white and had a paisley tie, and while it contrasted with the Addamses clothes, it wasn't _that_ bad, was it? Joel hurried over to Wednesday once the clapping ended and Fester and Debbie had left for their Honeymoon, complete with a fake dead body tied to the back of their coach with the cans. He wondered where Wednesday's family had found such a realistic corpse. Maybe one of them was in the movie industry?

Wednesday caught the bride's bouquet, and hadn't been exactly happy about it. When Joel told her she had to get married now, she had said 'it's not binding.' and an old lady had called her a tramp.

Were _all_ girls like that?

**. . . .**

Harcourt glared as he and his cousins were shepherded back to their cabin after getting back to camp. At least Pugsley had managed to get some more explosives . . . Becky looked a bit peaky, drawn. Well, her husband _had_ gone mysteriously missing, and now the camp was going to be inspected . . . Which, while funny, caused the adults to send them back to camp, not listening when the children said they didn't want to. After all, if people were going missing at the camp, it must not be all _that_ bad, right? Not.

Ellen shoved something into his hand. "Read it and pass it on, Cousin," she whispered, cackling.

'_Make campers revolt. Along the lines of "disgustingly familiar servants"? They should take to it.''_ It was in Eddie's handwriting. The boy was brilliant. '_Becky's bound and gagged down by the lake, on the far side waiting for Wednesday. Maybe not willingly, but she won't go running off 'cause she's "lost" her clothes..' _

Harcourt smirked and passed it to Vendetta. It seemed that Wednesday would be having fun tonight.

**Wednesday's Cabin, Midnight.**

Wednesday snorted, just loud enough for the other girls to hear.

"What're _you_ snorting at, Wednesday?" Amanda sneered childishly.

"Nothing at all," Wednesday said slowly. "It's just that . . . well, you're all being so familiar with Becky and the other Camp staff . . . "

"_So?"_

Wednesday sat up, putting her book down and facing the blondes. "Well, you were disgusted as I was when you found out that my Uncle was marrying a servant, were you not?"

"Yeah . . . "

"Well, what's the difference between that and you acting like that with Becky? She's just a glorified nanny, isn't she?" Ignoring the other girls' gaping and splutters, she continued, "I don't think it's _your_ fault, though . . . After all, you didn't realize it. She and Gary just made you think that they were what they aren't. If they were good enough to be like us, they'd be sending their own kids to a camp instead of praying that our parents sent them business, wouldn't they? If you want it to stay all kissy-kissy with the servant class, go ahead, but I and my family will rightly consider those who do well beneath our notice and of course my parents won't stand for it, not with us, at least."

She smirked as the bobble-head's eyes widened and they huddled together, whispering.

Well, this was starting nicely.

**Addams Family Home, One Week Later:**

Morticia smiled slightly as she watched her husband mix up the vodka and bat's blood for their littlest son, Pubert. And he even remembered the raw egg, this time . . .

He was getting better, after three other children.

Still, she was slightly worried about Fester. It wasn't like him not to at least send them a bomb after a week. Did he and Debbie go massacring? It was one of the only things that made sense . . .

Morticia didn't realize that she had been speaking out loud until Gomez answered her.

"It has been almost a week, hasn't it?" He glanced at Pubert. "Look at him, too much fun at the reception. Don't worry, _querida_, if nothing else, we'll know that they had a good time when they bring back the shrunken heads."

Morticia nodded. "In the mean time . . . We have new neighbors, Gomez."

Gomez grinned. "The ones by City Hall?"

"The very ones."

"Shall we . . . "

"Terrorize them? _Oui._"

"Tish! You spoke French!"

"Not now, Gomez, later. First, we must greet the neighbors."

The Fendertons moved away the next day . . . Such an odd couple, so bright, so full of life . . . At least they hadn't planted daisies, otherwise new neighbors may never move in again.

**Camp Chippewa, Inspection Day One:**

_Twang,_ went Amanda's arrow as it hit the bulls eye.

"Excellent, Amanda!" Becky said, clapping, before she moved to hug the buck-toothed blonde.

"Ewww!" Amanda screeched. "How _dare _you take such liberties with my person you...you _underling! _You're not even a house servant,you're no better than a huntsman's wife, you wouldn't even allowed indoors unless it's out here in the woods away from decent people! You've gotten above yourself! Imagine, a mere servant touching me without permission! _Ugh_, now I'll have to bathe _again_ to get the germs off!"

The Addams cousins smothered laughs. It seemed that Wednesday's efforts at making the stuck up, snobbish girls even more aware of their own importance had worked wonders. Though the rant was rather irritating, it did get the point across. The other Addamses still weren't sure how Wednesday had managed to _not_ kill the girls, let alone 'connect' with them . .

Becky's smile faltered, and she glanced quickly toward the man with a clipboard. "Uhm . . . _Next!_" She smiled tightly as Emily stepped forward, pushing Wednesday's boyfriend out of the way slightly as she did.

"Dear Children," Wednesday began reading from a postcard from Uncle Fester, "I love you dearly, but I can never see you again." Emily stopped to listen for a moment, her face interested.

Becky growled. "Strange! Go!"

The man with the clipboard tsk'd and scribbled something down on his papers.

Emily shot the arrow toward Becky, who ducked. It did manage to take some of her hair, though.

"Good try!" The middle-aged bottle blonde said tightly.

The clipboard man hmm'd again.

"When you are grown up and very lonely, you will understand. Love, Uncle Fester.'" Wednesday turned to face her twin and other two siblings. "He's a dead man."

"Munster! Your turn!"

Eddie grinned. "Yes, Becky!" He notched his bow and took a shot.

An American Bald Eagle came down.

The man dropped his clipboard.

Eddie turned to Becky. "Did I do good? You said to hit anything I could, so isn't a moving target the best?"

Becky just stared at the dead bird. "That's an American Bald Eagle . . . But . . . But aren't they extinct?"

"They are now!" Eddie said happily. "My Grandpa would be pleased if I can get him some of the blood for his experiments. And my Aunt Morticia might like the feathers for quills, too . . . "

**THE DISCOVERIES**

Later, when they had been sent to the Harmony Hut again, Emily called over the Alps, Pugsley and the Addams twins, the only ones in there with her, this time.

"Look! Ed, El, the bug you put on Uncle Fester's bag activated. Look!"

_Fester was patting his new blond hair. It looked like a bad wig glued to his scalp. A woman in the background was shouting. _

_"Be _careful,_ it's a Credenza! These are beautiful things, they're from catalogues! _Fester, _get over here!"_

_Fester ran over, scratching his head. There were muffled sounds, and the woman said something about being paid to hug him._

"Did Fester get a mistress?" Ellen asked.

Wednesday snorted. "Doubtful," Harcourt elaborated.

"_That's a **Queen Anne chandelier**!"_ Shouted the woman in the mirror.

"Debbie," the cousins said together, rolling their eyes.

Well, if either one of them died, they could either help hide the body, or organize a manhunt. Preferably hide Debbie's body . . .

They got out of the Hut a while later, and told their cousins what they had seen, before being dragged by Becky over to the stands near the lake for some sort of weird assembly.

This could not end well.

**Addams' House:**

"Hawaii is wonderful, I wish you were here, and I can never see you again. P.S. Debbie says 'hi'." I don't understand – for weeks, not a word, and now this!" Gomez stared at his brother's letter in horror. "Morticia - surely - surely this isn't _right? _How can this be from Fester?"

The Addams matriarch rubbed her husband's arm soothingly. "Darling, I'm sure it's-it's just a phase. He and Debbie are enjoying their time together, and it's affecting his mind slightly. There's nothing wrong with a bit more insanity, and we can always visit him, even if he doesn't like it. Aren't _those_ the best visits, Bubele?"

Gomez didn't respond.

Oh, dear.

" . . . Have I done something, said something? Why does my brother despise me?"

"He adores you, darling."

"I'd do anything for him. At his request, I would rip out my eyes! At his command, I would crawl on my belly though hot coals and broken glass!"

There was an idea . . . "Why wait?"

Gomez wasn't paying attention to anything she said. Hmph. "Has Fester gone _sane?_"

Morticia sighed. "Gomez, darling. This is all some sort of phase. Post-honeymoon malaise. It's very common. Don't you remember our honeymoon?"

"That glorious cruise..." Gomez smiled.

"No cares."

"No worries."

"No survivors."

"Cara mia."

As the days went by, Gomez became more worried for Fester. Morticia had rarely seen something affect him this way. He went about everything normally, but his eyes were always worried, and it did not please Mrs. Addams one little bit.

Morticia was stumped on what to do, and did what she had done only a few times before - she retreated to the tunnels and cave around the house and wrote. Instead of books, like she had the last time she did this, Morticia wrote letters to help her think more clearly. Gomez would get better, she was sure, and if he didn't . . . Well, if he didn't, dead didn't have to mean gone, and she and Gomez _had_ been wanting a ghost to occupy the house.

Now who to write to . . . Oh, that Minister man had sent her a letter, positively _demanding_ that her twins attend Hogwarts. Or, rather, that Harcourt did. Silly man . . . Now where was the Malaclaw venom for her ink . . .

Oh, so many letters, so little poison. Maybe she could use a blood quill . . . Hmmm, _perhaps_, but she rather thought she would reserve that for whoever Fudge sent...she knew he would send someone once she made McGonagall the offer she was about to make. The Family, did, after all have all that hideous land in the Rocky Mountains, it was normal in the warm months and looked like a muggle Christmas card the rest of the time...but if she offered it to Hogwarts, the headmistress could move the institution completely and utterly out of that Mr. Fudge's reach and his jurisdiction. Magical children here didn't have anywhere near so many restrictions on their doings.

Yes, that would work. And the children might like to hear from her, too. Morticia wondered if that strange Becky woman had gone missing like her husband . . . she certainly hoped so.

**Headmistress' Office, Hogwarts.**

Minerva sighed; she should have guessed that the Addams Matriarch would want a run-down of the curriculum . . . She cast a quick Sonorous charm on herself. "_Will all members of the teaching staff report to the headmistress' office with their lesson plans for the first through fourth years, please and prepare yourselves for an emergency staff meeting._"

This would be a long day. She didn't really like the idea of moving Hogwarts, but the ministry's demands were becoming downright hostile. She felt a bit boxed in and had already ordered Hagrid to Gather the Forest and all Within for the move off these grounds to the new place provided by Morticia Addams. It would be better for all concerned, really, since the nearest muggle was several hundred miles in any direction. They would be quite isolated and private...as much as Hogwarts had been upon it's founding. Hogwarts could only be moved by the current headmaster or mistress and then only once every one thousand years. Once the foundation of the school had merged into the basement rock of the new location there would be nothing that anyone would be able to do to change it. In return, the Addams took ownership of the old demesnes in Scotland, it was the same amount of land, it was only a trade but they still owed the Addams something for the offer.

The staff hadn't been happy, but agreed there was nothing else for it. The move had to be made and that was that.

"First night, after Sorting...her children, if they join us at all will do so after our arrival. There's no need to worry about Albus, he's already receiving the best possible care."

**August 31, 1991 – The Day Before The Start of Term.**

Despite Fudge raising hell, sending spies and agents to try to bring back the Boy-Who-Lived to England by force before the term-time (providing even Gomez with frequent distractions from Fester's problems when dealing with those sent) Sorting Night and Feast went off without the presences of the Addams' children...and the Transfer Enchantment did as well.

The best part as far as Minevra was concerned was that the Americans made reasonable laws meant to ensure the best interests of the children and other than period competency tests to make sure the instruction level met a minimum standard, pretty much left them alone except for providing funding. This was a plus. She did like the 'minimum' standards test...one could not be hired to teach at a Hogwarts level school, unless one was _already_ an accredited teacher with at least 10 years of combined teaching experience _and could prove it_...there would be _no_ more Lockhart type disasters in the classroom. Had this been a university or college the teaching requirements were much, much stiffer and more demanding.

**September 3rd, 1991 - The Day the English Ministry of Magic Found Out **

Fudge collapsed in rage...Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was now an American School with a brand new charter that had just been ratified. There was nothing he could do about it, it would be a thousand years before it could be moved again and this wasn't to be born!


	8. Chapter 8

**Camp Chippewa, a week before summer's end:**

"Okay, Campers!" Becky was calling out jauntily, as the man with the clipboard took notes and made ominous 'hmm'-ing noises.

And they hadn't even had to bribe him.

Becky's smiles were met with glares and looks of disgust from all but the Addams cousins, who were hiding behind the bleachers. Eddie, Edgar, Ellen, and Emily were poking a CD player with their wands, lazily pretending to try ad stop magic from doing anything to it, while Vendetta cursed it. Harcourt, Pugsley, and Wednesday were sitting with Joel, blocking his view of the music player getting cursed. The boy had introduced Pugsley to Schizo's and Serial Killers earlier that day, and after picking his pocket for an unopened package, had gone on to trade the other boy for ones that he wanted.

"Look at this one! I have that Zodiac guy! Now I'm only missing Jack the Ripper!"

While Pugsley looked on with interest, Harcourt opened up a package himself, and Wednesday snorted. She'd been less fond of the Glicker boy since the wedding.

"Oh look, Wednesday, I have Becky."

"Huh?"

"Shut up, Pugsley."

"You're mean, Wednesday."

Wednesday scoffed and rolled her eyes, then leaned over Harcourt to look at his card. "The Black Widow. Has three dead husbands, at least. All rich. Last seen just a few months ago."

"I'll trade you," Pugsley offered. Harcourt threw it at his head.

"When Debbie dies, make sure to put it in a scrap book," Wednesday muttered. She was in a fairly bad mood that morning. Apparently her cabin mates had decided she was 'one of them now.'

Harcourt patted her arm absently. "Just imagine all the hexes you could u-"

"Addams!" Came a familiar hiss above them. Pugsley, Wednesday, and Harcourt looked up at Hermione Granger's bushy head leaning over the bleachers. "Wednesday, you're being called up!"

Wednesday raised an eyebrow, but raised a hand for Granger to help her up anyway. _Might as well_.

When Becky saw Wednesday, she immediately perked up. "Oh, goody! Thank you Hermione! Wednesday, sweetie, you're going to be Pocahontas in the end of Camp play!"

"_What?_ " Wednesday asked flatly. Becky nodded. "No." And with that, Wednesday stalked back to her cabin, dragging Hermione with her.

**Break.**

Hermione and Wednesday were in the woods later that week, both hiding in the same tree. After the incident where they'd been caught on the payphone, they weren't taking any chances. Wednesday had Confunded anyone that passed, and Hermione looked like she wanted to do the same. After the third person passed, Wednesday asked her about that.

"If you want to curse someone, Granger, just curse them."

Hermione gave her a helpless look. "Oh, but I _can't._ I'm apprenticed as a Good Witch – no personal gain. I refuse to break that!"

Wednesday gave her a Look. "I was under the impression you were smart, Granger. Do it with the intention of protecting _me_."

Hermione slapped her forehead. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," she muttered.

"No, you're not. You're just not that creative. So who are you apprenticed to?"

And thus began a fairly civil – well, not friendship, but Wednesday decided that the curly-headed girl was worth knowing, and Hermione decided that maybe Wednesday wasn't _quite_ as bad as she had previously thought.

**Break.**

"_Happy, happy Turkey Day, hunger pains will go away, when you hear the Pilgrims say, it's Happy Turkey Day. Happy, happy Turkey Day, let's all eat the Indian way, as Bastille and Cape Cod Bay, it's Happy Turkey Day!__"_

Hermione wanted to wretch. The inspector man or whatever he was was gone now – and Becky was worse than ever before. Not that the Campers were making it easy on her. It was the last day of Camp, and they'd all be free to go home tomorrow. She'd be free to go back to her parents until the end of September, when Paige would pick her up and take her to Magic School and then to the Manor.

If only it was today.

But it wasn't, so Hermione put her nose back into her tome on spell-crafting. She'd told her Aunt and Uncle that it was for a fantasy role-playing game, as well as anyone else that asked. Just her Aunt and Uncle, in other words.

"Look at you! Oh, Amanda, you look perfect! You're just the prettiest Pilgrim I've ever seen! Oh, I' e got to take a picture of this!"

Kill me now, Hermione thought to herself, before concentrating on her book again. '_Be sure to word your spells properly, and keeping a rhythm that others can detect when they read it, if they do. Magic often takes thing literally, so . . . '_

"Here they are! We caught them by the pay phone! " Came a boy's voice in her ear. _Ow._Did he _have_ to yell? Really? She looked up to glare at him. Apparently the Addams had been running an FBI check on their new Aunt. If only she could run one on hers, and have the woman convicted. Hermione would have gone back to her book right then, if not for the fact that Becky started going loopy when Wednesday refused to be in the pageant, asking the campers if they thought that the girl should just die for not fitting into her world view.

No-one answered her. Becky asked again. Nothing. Finally, Wednesday elbowed the blonde into the water, where Becky's expensive hiking boots were caught in the mud and plant life, she fell over, and became stuck in the mud, her head barely above the water's surface.

No one made a move to help her. In fact, most of them just shrugged and went off to get food, play, or go to their cabins. The incompetence of another wasn't their problem. Hermione, herself, just walked over to the Addams and handed them her Aunt's mobile phone, snake-skin cover and all. She'd gotten the Runespore hide casing for her aunt as a Christmas present. The phone was bulky and Becky didn't use the thing often – thus why Hermione had been made to carry it all bloody summer.

"Here is Becky's phone, you can use it to do whatever it was you were doing on the payphone. Please don't break it. Now, I am going to make sure I've packed everything. Please don't experiment on that, and give it back when you're done."

She didn't once see the gleam in Wednesday's idea when Vendetta cursed the thing after her back was turned. The spell had been mostly absorbed, and the only side effect was a small crackling sound barely lasting a half-second.

**Break.**

Hermione smiled at the Charmed one in front of her. "Hello, Paige! Here, I want you to meet some . . . well, I suppose you could call them friends, of mine. Two of them went to Hogwarts with me, but they aren't that bad. They already know about Wiccan magic – apparently their Grandmama dabbles in it. I need to get Becky's phone back from Wednesday, at any rate. Wednesday! Harr-Harcourt!"

Paige smiled as she watched her and her sisters' wild-haired apprentice run over to a large group of other children. They didn't look normal, in fact they looked like a pretty dark group of misfits, but hey, they made the kid happy, didn't they? Besides, Paige hadn't exactly been the nicest-looking teenager, and look how she'd turned out!

"Paige, these are the people I was telling you about. Emily Strange, Eddie Munster, Edgar and Ellen Alp, Vendetta Frump, and Wednesday, Harcourt, and Pugsley Addams."

"Addams?"

"Yes, Miss Halliwell, Addams. Why?"

Paige turned to the large boy that had spoken. "Oh, nothing, I just remember reading about your family when we – that is, my sisters and me - were learning about witches and wizards before we apprenticed Hermione. Your able to use lots of different magic, but no one knows how, apparently."

The smallest boy in the lot stepped forward, smiling and showing fang-like teeth. "It's a family trait!"

Paige nodded. He looked like a vampire, or a werewolf in human form from a mid-century horror film, but at the same time, seemed like a good kid. Better than some of the 'good' kids she'd met in her life.

"Wednesday, I need Becky's phone. Well, actually, I suppose it's mine now . . . Once Becky found out I'd lent it to you, she didn't want it anymore."

The girl with braids, and a widow's peak to match the little boy's, smirked. "Of course, Hermione. Thank you, it solved two problems, actually."

"Really? What was the other?"

"How to make magic work with technology. That's Runespoor hide, right?"

"Ye-es . . . " Hermione looked nervous at the look on Wednesday's face, and Paige put a hand on her shoulder, ready to orb out if she had to.

"Good. We're going to test it with dragon hide – it seems like this absorbs magic - " _I know that,_ Hermione thought, but didn't say anything. That was why Runespoor skin was so desirable. It absorbed small spells. " - But doesn't affect the technology. So, we're going to try dragon hide, bec - "

" - Because dragon hide is the second most magically resistant and deflective substance on the planet, followed by Acromantula silk, and preceded by Basilisk skin."

Wednesday gave a wicked smirk. "Exactly. I do believe that there may yet be hope for you, Granger." And with that, she turned away, walking with her brother and cousins to an old-fashioned black hearse. Only Harcourt remained behind.

He nodded to her slightly. "I hope your year will be pleasurable, Granger. As it is, you may want to keep tabs on Hogwarts."

Hermione opened her mouth to ask why, but he left too quickly. Did those Addamses all take lessons from Houdini or something?

Hmm. Now that she thought about it, she wouldn't be surprised if he was a relative of theirs.

Two weeks later, firmly in the middle of dealing with nice safe demons, she was very glad she hadn't attended Hogwarts this year after Harcourt sent her a copy of The Daily Prophet. The castle was green now, with what looked like pink glitter on it and the Whomping Willow looked as if it had been severely pruned back. Minister Fudge was in the foreground wearing what looked like fur from a mangey dog and even Snape was grinning at him.

"I want to know, but not badly enough to go find out." She murmurred, passing the paper and it's gaudy front page to Piper, Paige and Phoebe.


	9. Chapter 9

"Hey, you guys, look!" Pugsley half-shouted, pointing out the car window.

The other Addams cousins all leaned over in the back of the family hearse and, after a moment, there was an audible '_click_' as eight mouths suddenly were pushed closed by their owners.

"Is that . . . " Eddie asked.

"With a . . . " Edgar questioned in response.

"It is . . . " Ellen answered.

"I wonder how Cousin Severus got past the first date," Emily mused.

Indeed, there by the front doors with the rest of the family stood Severus Snape, a dark haired woman leaning into him, obviously happy.

"Well that was fast," Harcourt muttered. Wednesday nodded in agreement, before leaning on him again, quite content to use him as a human pillow.

As they all got out of the car, the elder Addamses weren't all that surprised to see their children all rush toward the only new face there. Severus didn't seem at all pleased to be nearly toppled over by the brats, though.

"Who are you?"

"How did you meet Cousin Sev?"

"Did he use a love potion?"

"Did _you_ use a love potion?"

"Who lost the bet?"

"Where do babies come from?"

There was a short silence as everyone there turned to look at Eddie, who shrugged. "What? It was getting loud."

Harcourt cuffed the boy on the head, and soon the Family headed inside, chattering and catching up.

Carnation gave Severus a kiss on the cheek and smiled. "Well, they're all . . . "

"Irritating, annoying, rude, insufferable?"

"Sweet. They don't seem to mind me at all."

Severus snorted. "You won't think as much when Wednesday is dangling you out a window by your earlobes."

"I'll manage, Severus."

Said potions master rolled his eyes. "I'm sure. Now, do you want to brave Grand Mama's cooking, or would you like to go out to eat."

"Stay, of course! I loved her . . . well, whatever it is she made last time I came over. Really Severus, it's all very good. _Strange_, but good."

As they walked into the old house, Severus couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, mind you, he had a future Addams on his hands.

For some reason, he found that he didn't mind too much.

"You rat faced old _hag_!"

"Thank you, you blood sucking leech!"

"Crone!"

"_Bat!"_

"_**Sister!"**_

"_**Brother!"**_

"Old people are _weird,_" Eddie muttered to Pugsley from the doorway, watching as Grandmama and Grandpa Munster chased each other around the room with knives, laughing wildly.

"You can say _that_ again," the rotund boy muttered.

"Old people are _weir-_ OW!"

**September 2nd, 7 AM**

Emily ,Wednesday, and Harcourt gave their new Headmistress a large smile as they heard the family hearse drive away.

"Hello Professor McGonagall! Sorry we're late!"

Emily burst out laughing at the look on the ex-Transfiguration professor's face.

The old woman sighed. "I suppose this is a cousin?"

"Emily Strange, at your service."

"Strange?"

"Yes. Strange. A minor branch of the LeStrange family. Of course, the main branch thinks we're all insane. Why? Neither Wednesday nor Harcourt mentioned any other cousins attended school here."

"N-nothing, Miss Strange, just . . . some old students come to mind. Though you do have one cousin in your year, the Malfoy heir is a LeStrange cousin through marriage. One of the Black daughters married Lucius Malfoy while another married into the LeStrange family. That makes Draco Malfoy, the only child of this generation of Malfoys and so the sole heir, a first cousin to the main family line." She couldn't help it, there was just something that forced her to impart knowledge. It had to be an Addams trait, she was certain. They should all be interrogators for the DMLE. "We should all go to my office, for your Sorting. You have your school things?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Off we go, then."

The walk to the Head's office was filled with the two Addams twins pointing things out to their slightly older cousin, and McGonagall trying not to think of how they knew where the last death on school grounds had been, or the weapon used (the helmet from a nearby suit of armour.).

"Loch Lomond," the woman said loudly, to get her student's attention, as they were still walking, pointing out a rock that apparently shot out poisoned silver arrows in the case of an attack. The three quickly followed, still making comments about what sort of poison was used on the arrows, and were still talking as the Headmistress strode across the room, grabbed the Sorting Hat, and shoved it on the black-eyed Emily,. The Hat instantly called out,

"Ravenclaw!"

"Surprise, surprise," the Twins muttered together.

McGonagall and Emily both ignored them. "Now, Miss Strange, I will take you to your dorm - "

"That's okay Professor, We'll show her!" Harcourt chirped happily.

"I . . . I don't want to know, don't tell, me, get out of my office and don't do anything to get sent back. Go."

"How friendly," Emily muttered, just loud enough for the Headmistress to hear, as the cousins walked out.

Minerva sighed; she really needed a stiff drink.

**AN/AR: It's short, yes. I know this. But, I want to post, and right now it's good enough for me. This is the last chapter, and I hope you enjoyed it. I'm certain my Beta, the wonderful Ornery, is unhappy with me, but I really think that this is how I want it to end, and that it's not utterly horrible. So, thank you for reading, and you all may have virtual chocolate on me.**

**It's been great,**

**Mercy.**


End file.
